neglect, at its finest

my roommate's packing her side of the house. slowly. deliberately. every once in a while she comes across something that deems worthy of stopping to peruse over. usually it's something from our past: an old picture, note, journal entry. we have been best friends since we can remember, like around toddlerhood. she has been closer to me than my own sisters, and i bet she'd same the same about me. she's my maid of honor and has done more for my wedding than even i have. and i have neglected her.

i have not been the best friend i once was (although to be fair, when we were in elementary & middle school i "broke up" with her every summer because i wanted to have other friends and only felt this was possible without her in my life...... it would only last for a day or two.... i don't do that anymore). i have neglected a lot of my friends these last few years.

last sunday was my first bridal shower, and i was blessed with all the women from my current and past life that showed up for love, support, and celebration. i was honestly surprised at how many showed up, many of whom i have not spoken to in many years. they drove to me, for me, from cities and states away. i was blessed, and shocked, and moved beyond words.

last saturday i met with a not-so-long lost friend for drinks and talk. at one point, just a few years ago, i considered her one of my closest friends, yet life separated us so far that i had to follow to her not-so-new house so i wouldn't get lost, had to ask for directions within her house, and surveyed her lived-in upstairs with fresh, never-before-seen eyes. we cried with one another when we began speaking of how far our friendship has strayed. i had hurt her deeply, all because i was "too busy" being preoccupied with trivial life doings.

i asked two men, who at one point were my closest guyfriends (who i travelled to austin with for a weekend of servitude just a few years ago), for their addresses for wedding invitations. one was surprised i asked him, the other has since gotten married since the last time i spoke to him.

when did i become so self involved? where had i placed all the importance that once belonged to my closest friends?

i am so sorry for the neglect i have done you. you are important to me, more than you know. you are very important to me, and my life has felt bitter-empty without you there, it just took me a while to realize.

craziness encompasses

Less than 2 months to go!

I guess I have no right to complain, I chose the date knowing it will come sooner than I could blink. Planning a wedding on a restricted budget of little more than monopoly money is harder than I expected, however.

• Find the Venue..... check (just recently)
• Verify the date...... check (along with the venue finding)
• Finalize invitation....... check (now to gather the addresses.... if I want to invite person A, who is dating person B, does that mean I have to invite person C, person B's BFF who I only kinda know?!)
• Find, apply, sign on first year home.... check, check, soon to be check (cross the fingers!) - Lewisville, here we come. Denton, it's gonna be a sad day...
• Make final payment on the most beautiful, perfect dress ever..... will "check" soon and I cannot wait!!!
• Figure out if we're gonna do engagement photos/ bridal photos
• Finish pre-marital counseling
• Design Ceremony & Reception decorations.... (will we be able to feed the guests?.... how much will they hate us if we don't?)
  
• Decide on rehearsal dinner place
• Make sure everyone involved has their outfits.... (I want you to wear this... I mean as long as it's not too expensive to buy.... just please get it by X day...... but if you can't I understand.... when can I demand they do what I ask because it's my wedding!?!?)
  

What am I missing?... cuz I know it's a lot. What will be that thing, that event, that panic attack that is just waiting to surprise me at the last minute in the coming weeks?

I thought this process would be different. It's a lot harder to do on your own, without a mother to help and to eventually take over. It's hard when you're a pretty creative person and have dreamed of the perfect wedding since forever and then you realize it's impossible because, again, you have monopoly money to work with.

I just want a pretty wedding. I want one that will be memorable, and unique, and doesn't show that I had absolutely no money. It's hard to picture what it's going to look like after attending the numerous gorgeous, professional, perfect weddings that were sprinkled throughout these last few years.

I really do know I shouldn't complain. I am marrying the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that is all that matters. The sky could open up keeping all the wise safe in their homes and leaving only Ben, my uncle (the preacher) and myself to exchange our vows.... and I'll be content.

Please Lord, calm my soul. Tell me it's going to be okay, that it's going to work out. Help me trust your will to be done, Lord. Thank you for this new experience. Please bless it, and be glorified by it.
Amen.