davanti thoughts...

i hate how some people are only nice to you when it benefits them the most.

i despise how they feel as though they have every right to snob you 83% of the time, but when they can get something out of that other 17% - oh they take it alright! suddenly they're your best friend and it hurts their feelings if you don't acknowledge and appreciate the way they're reaching out to you... in turn, you're the bad guy.

i am really not a huge fan of these types of people... and yet i'm sure i've been that person to someone somewhere out there, without ever realizing it.

also. i hate the feeling of being taken advantage of. that's not a cool feeling. i've been feeling that way lately by a few authoritative figures and it seems as though i don't have a voice to speak up and set things straight. how can someone rob you of your voice simply by being in the position they're in?

hitler must have created that scenario - sounds like something hitler would do.

my heart's song

you've given me breath
you've blessed me with wonder
watched me take my first step
helped me up when i plundered

you're with me in times of pain
in times of innocence and truth
in times of nervousness and shame
or when there's nothing left to lose

but i did not take your hand
when the road ahead was jagged
i instead found trust in man
who left me torn and tattered

i dabbled in the arts of earth
found sustenance in her games
cherished every place i searched
for anything to give me a name

when all along you grasped the strings
that preceded my every plan
you moved the obstacles i treaded through
created the course i swam

in you i should have placed my heart
you're the only thing that's stone
you're my keeper, my abba, my pillar too
to you is whom i should have gone

praise you for the grace you shed
for your everlasting forgiveness
praise you for your persual of me
and for your acceptance of my penance

thank you for your enduring love
for your protection over my heart
thank you for your unfailing son
by him we'll never be apart.

stupid pride

"Stop asking questions and pay attention to me!"
That is my little sister, Allie's, favorite quote of mine, and she tells anyone and everyone that quote when asked to sum me up. Granted, the situation we were in when I delivered said quote deems explanation: I was trying on a new outfit before going out somewhere and I was unsure of what I truly thought about it, thus needing her help, yet receiving only her demand.... hence the quote. There are times, however when I really do feel that way - pay attention to me right now, only me! My pride is through this roof at times, I'm embarrassed to admit this but it became so clear to me today before and during church and obviously needs some reckoning with.

My second or third week visiting Michelle's homegroup that Stephanie brought me to, we were all sitting around Caitlin's living room praying for one another and just reveling in the Lord's presence, when Steph took hold of the prayer chain and went after it with all her might - stopping and praying for every individual in the room. She came to me, one of the last to be prayed for, and she began her prayer for me, "Lord, thank you for breaking Lindsey of her narcissism and self-[something]..." I was HUMILIATED! yet could only laugh at the situation at hand because homegroup is the perfect place to lay all your uglies out and be loved the more for them, right?

Honestly up until then I did not think my pride a huge deal - pride is something I've grown up around, my dad prides himself in his own pride... talk about a predicament. Where do you begin to tackle that one? He's always taught us "You're a Shaw! You reign from the Scottish Shaw Clan, we were WARRIORS! That's why you argue and fight! It's in your blood!!!" I could not make this up. He taught me to think the best of myself, good for self-confidence and getting out of high school alive, horrible for day to day Christian living, however.

Okay, so today. Well no, I'll back up: last night Ben, Andrew and I went to the 5 o'clock service at the H.V. campus, therefore I got my weekly church service in, weekly worship service: check. (I cannot remember the last time I felt that way - checking off my church attendance as though it's another note on my weekly to-do list.) Afterwards Ben and I hung out til a reasonable hour then went our separate ways and off to bed with the plan to go to the Denton campus' 11 o'clock service the next day (today).

All went according to plan for the most part, except that when I woke up this morning, I really did not want to go to church... I all ready went last night - now I'm just going out of obligation of my word, bad.bad.bad.bad. I woke up kinda late, some kind of habit I've been getting in lately, and had to run to Argyle to let some dog's out and feed them, then Ben calls and says he didn't have a ride to church due to circumstances out of his hand BUT I really wanted him to go so I offered to pick him up, but we were gonna be late. Real late. I hate being late. Just another damper to add to my bad mood for the church-going situation.

I ran my errand, picked up my cute companion, and high-tailed it to church, only to get there just as worship was ending. Beau was talking today, I really love hearing him speak - get's me all fired up about living in Denton, let's me know there's a reason I'm here now and a purpose that I can very well be apart of... only problem is that my selfish heart was so preoccupied about the fact that I felt like I HAD to be there, not that I WANTED to be there, creating quite a blockage for any Holy Spirit movement that was to take place today.

Suck.

Half way through the sermon today I really started feeling guilty about my mood I chose to stool in instead of getting past it, so when communion came around, I decided to sit that one out and instead have a little chit chat with my heavenly father, which is always good. I realized that I hadn't engaged in a quiet time with him since Tuesday, and had no real prayer session of sorts since then either - all due to pride build up and me falling prey to the idea that earthly matters were more important or interesting than seeking His counsel and comfort and companionship. The minute I came to this realization, as Caitlin put it best "the Lord totally just punched me in the head." How selfish, how prideful I am - no wonder my heart wasn't into any church matter or spiritual growth... I couldn't see how beneficial it was to me for the simple fact that I couldn't see anything past my own flesh. It was as if I had mirrored glasses on, I thought I had my life in focus but really all I could see was myself looking back at me.

insert cuss word here.

FURTHER MORE! God's forgiven me for my stupidity. I feel like a child on my 6th or 7th birthday... me me me me me... and God's my patient parent that allows me to entertain my tainted thoughts so that I might learn on my own how far the memememe-syndrome gets me in life.

I'm thankful for today. Thankful that I went to church and didn't sit it out, like I kinda wanted to do. Thankful Beau spoke and dug deeper into our hearts for the city around us. Thankful Ben is patient with me as well and only cares for the betterment of me, therefore drills me and drills me and drills me when he can tell something's wrong. I'm thankful for the roundhouse kick God delivered to me today as all around me were delving into the Lord's supper... no I really am, I'm going to grow from it.

a start

I've been staring at this blank screen for about 15 minutes, just pondering what various stories I have to share to with the world that are interesting enough to read; none. What view points, opinions, thoughts do I have or have experienced sometime recently that if mentioned on here would floor any wanderer who comes across this page; none. Why am I so starved for people's approval? Really the only reason I even signed up for one of these things is so that I could better keep in touch with my ladies across the ocean from me. Maybe it's because I spent about an hour earlier today just reveling in their unique and independent thoughts, and constantly found myself enjoying their stories as if I were reading a Francine River's novel.

Caitlin is so eloquent with her words; she has an ability to paint pictures in your mind by just telling you her thoughts about the day. I think she gets that from her Dad, because, from what I've heard of him, he constantly draws up illustrations and allegories to better relate the world around him to his heavenly father - he doesn't do that to win people's approval or get them to think how brilliant he is, he does it to keep consistent reminders that this world is temporary, on loan, and everything points back to Him, Caitlin does that too... I really think she got it from him. That's one of my favorite things about her, her careful thoughts and beautiful metaphors that only wet my tongue for the Lord's truth to be revealed more.

Denise writes with an innocent adventuresome appeal. I feel like I am truly there with her in Spain as I read her day-to-day experiences and thoughts, she is so careful not to leave a single moment out, and when she does it's only because of the limit of time she has to properly share all aspects of her story, yet she always promises to further explanations when necessary at a later convenience for her. She is so honest with all her opinions as well, always has been, she's not one to sugar coat things, mainly because time calls for short and sweet phraseology... I love that word, phraseology, got it from The Music Man, that could very well be one of my favorite movies... anyways, Denise brings you along as though you're in her pocket sharing all her experiences with her, I love that.

I think I'm beginning to tick Ben off with how often I mention to him how much I miss those women... he can suck it up though :) , they're some of my most favorite people in the entire world.... out of 6 billion people I am pretty sure D & C are in my top 5 people that I love the most here on Mother Earth. Don't get me wrong, Ben's up there too... and I would miss him like a crazy misses their imaginary friend too if he left me for 3 months to experience a once in a lifetime opportunity... so therefore, he can properly suck it up.

Ok, I think that's it for now. I'm pretty okay with my first blog - it was raw and natural, poignant and to the point.. yep, I'm satisfied.


til later.