stupid pride

"Stop asking questions and pay attention to me!"
That is my little sister, Allie's, favorite quote of mine, and she tells anyone and everyone that quote when asked to sum me up. Granted, the situation we were in when I delivered said quote deems explanation: I was trying on a new outfit before going out somewhere and I was unsure of what I truly thought about it, thus needing her help, yet receiving only her demand.... hence the quote. There are times, however when I really do feel that way - pay attention to me right now, only me! My pride is through this roof at times, I'm embarrassed to admit this but it became so clear to me today before and during church and obviously needs some reckoning with.

My second or third week visiting Michelle's homegroup that Stephanie brought me to, we were all sitting around Caitlin's living room praying for one another and just reveling in the Lord's presence, when Steph took hold of the prayer chain and went after it with all her might - stopping and praying for every individual in the room. She came to me, one of the last to be prayed for, and she began her prayer for me, "Lord, thank you for breaking Lindsey of her narcissism and self-[something]..." I was HUMILIATED! yet could only laugh at the situation at hand because homegroup is the perfect place to lay all your uglies out and be loved the more for them, right?

Honestly up until then I did not think my pride a huge deal - pride is something I've grown up around, my dad prides himself in his own pride... talk about a predicament. Where do you begin to tackle that one? He's always taught us "You're a Shaw! You reign from the Scottish Shaw Clan, we were WARRIORS! That's why you argue and fight! It's in your blood!!!" I could not make this up. He taught me to think the best of myself, good for self-confidence and getting out of high school alive, horrible for day to day Christian living, however.

Okay, so today. Well no, I'll back up: last night Ben, Andrew and I went to the 5 o'clock service at the H.V. campus, therefore I got my weekly church service in, weekly worship service: check. (I cannot remember the last time I felt that way - checking off my church attendance as though it's another note on my weekly to-do list.) Afterwards Ben and I hung out til a reasonable hour then went our separate ways and off to bed with the plan to go to the Denton campus' 11 o'clock service the next day (today).

All went according to plan for the most part, except that when I woke up this morning, I really did not want to go to church... I all ready went last night - now I'm just going out of obligation of my word, bad.bad.bad.bad. I woke up kinda late, some kind of habit I've been getting in lately, and had to run to Argyle to let some dog's out and feed them, then Ben calls and says he didn't have a ride to church due to circumstances out of his hand BUT I really wanted him to go so I offered to pick him up, but we were gonna be late. Real late. I hate being late. Just another damper to add to my bad mood for the church-going situation.

I ran my errand, picked up my cute companion, and high-tailed it to church, only to get there just as worship was ending. Beau was talking today, I really love hearing him speak - get's me all fired up about living in Denton, let's me know there's a reason I'm here now and a purpose that I can very well be apart of... only problem is that my selfish heart was so preoccupied about the fact that I felt like I HAD to be there, not that I WANTED to be there, creating quite a blockage for any Holy Spirit movement that was to take place today.

Suck.

Half way through the sermon today I really started feeling guilty about my mood I chose to stool in instead of getting past it, so when communion came around, I decided to sit that one out and instead have a little chit chat with my heavenly father, which is always good. I realized that I hadn't engaged in a quiet time with him since Tuesday, and had no real prayer session of sorts since then either - all due to pride build up and me falling prey to the idea that earthly matters were more important or interesting than seeking His counsel and comfort and companionship. The minute I came to this realization, as Caitlin put it best "the Lord totally just punched me in the head." How selfish, how prideful I am - no wonder my heart wasn't into any church matter or spiritual growth... I couldn't see how beneficial it was to me for the simple fact that I couldn't see anything past my own flesh. It was as if I had mirrored glasses on, I thought I had my life in focus but really all I could see was myself looking back at me.

insert cuss word here.

FURTHER MORE! God's forgiven me for my stupidity. I feel like a child on my 6th or 7th birthday... me me me me me... and God's my patient parent that allows me to entertain my tainted thoughts so that I might learn on my own how far the memememe-syndrome gets me in life.

I'm thankful for today. Thankful that I went to church and didn't sit it out, like I kinda wanted to do. Thankful Beau spoke and dug deeper into our hearts for the city around us. Thankful Ben is patient with me as well and only cares for the betterment of me, therefore drills me and drills me and drills me when he can tell something's wrong. I'm thankful for the roundhouse kick God delivered to me today as all around me were delving into the Lord's supper... no I really am, I'm going to grow from it.