I just finished I Never Promised You A Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg. It was a true story about a young girl who tries to find her way in life while battling schizophrenia. In the darker days of her mental war - she believed what was inside her mind (a place much like another world all-together, filled with it's own rulers and authorities, friends and demons) was reality and the world outside her "Yr" was a prison in which she was trapped in, and was forced to interact with and pretend to be a part of.
This book uncovered for me the depths and real perceptions people may have to deal with when suffering a mental illness. Drugs only numb their perceptions, and doctors merely try to convince them of their own opinions. It provided me a new-found respect for someone dealing with a mental illness, but the knowledge of how real their perceptions appear to them also greatly frightened me.
Our minds are so powerful, that it can create a whole new reality in which we have no choice but to fall prey to. One passage that truly stuck out to me was when the young girl was beginning to fully understand the world's realities and her made-up "Yr," and when she was attempting with all her might to live "normally" within the world and not fall back on her insanity, she watched the people around her and envied their abilities to make friends, to deal with life's high and low emotions, to find love. She wondered if they truly understood how lucky they were to have those "simple" abilities, something that was so unnatural and difficult to her. She watched as they sang praises and prayed to God - and wondered if they ever thanked Him for providing them with sane minds.
It made me think about my own life and the simple ease I find in making a new friend or catching my husband's eye. How often do I stop and thank the Lord that I have been blessed with a sound mind that is able to function normally in any given situation without causing me to loose sight and hearing and go into convulsions? I think until you read or hear about the life of someone who has truly lived several different lifes in their stay on earth, it's impossible to fully understand how well you have it - how much there is to be thankful for.
May 23, 2011
January 18, 2011
A Premature Eulogy
He was loved. Maybe at times he didn't think so, or know it, but he was loved and deeply cared for all his life. In his younger years he was charismatic and humorous - always the life of the party. It was not hard for him to make friends, what with his love for athleticism and games. He was shy, and deeply self-conscious due to various physical ailments in which he battled since childhood; but most of the time you'd never know it. He carried a confidence and pride on into his latter years that easily became a shield to protect him in the more challenging times.
He was a romantic - in all aspects of life. He loved art and drawing, he loved music of many genres, and shared his passion for music with any who came near. Music became his fortress, a safe place for his mind and soul to escape to when the demands of life became too hard to bear. He loved women, he loved the female nuances. He loved a woman; he was madly in love with her.
She taught him many things in the short time they knew one another, she introduced him to Jesus Christ in a more intimate way than he'd ever known. Through her life, he learned to live, through her death, he learned to survive. She gave him three daughters. Three girls to love and hang on him, harass and annoy him, pick him up and carry him. In each of them, he saw their mother - in all of them, he saw himself. He knew the Lord, and he loved Him. He knew his life was in the Creator's hands at all times, and he found hope in that.
He lived a life that at times seemed burdened and hard-going. There were many days when the onslaught of life's little tragedies seemed to come on again and again like the crashing of waves, but in those trying times he'd still find ways to laugh, he'd still find songs to dance to, he still found moments to be enjoyed. In his darker moments, he kept to himself and did not let many people get too close. In those times he did not know how much he was loved, how many people cared for him.
Today it is known that he was loved. If not by the people around him, always by his Heavenly Father, always by the Author of his days.
I wrote this with my daddy heavily on my heart. He is currently going through some of the darkest days he's yet seen, and in these moments truth and love are difficult to penetrate his mind with. In these darker moments he falls prey to the lies of an even darker voice and those lies perpetually tell him he's of no worth. I wrote this with my heart fully convicted of my love for him and of the desire for him to know the truth. His life is worth the love of blood and sacrifice from a King - and nothing can separate him from that love (Romans 8:38-39)
He was a romantic - in all aspects of life. He loved art and drawing, he loved music of many genres, and shared his passion for music with any who came near. Music became his fortress, a safe place for his mind and soul to escape to when the demands of life became too hard to bear. He loved women, he loved the female nuances. He loved a woman; he was madly in love with her.
She taught him many things in the short time they knew one another, she introduced him to Jesus Christ in a more intimate way than he'd ever known. Through her life, he learned to live, through her death, he learned to survive. She gave him three daughters. Three girls to love and hang on him, harass and annoy him, pick him up and carry him. In each of them, he saw their mother - in all of them, he saw himself. He knew the Lord, and he loved Him. He knew his life was in the Creator's hands at all times, and he found hope in that.
He lived a life that at times seemed burdened and hard-going. There were many days when the onslaught of life's little tragedies seemed to come on again and again like the crashing of waves, but in those trying times he'd still find ways to laugh, he'd still find songs to dance to, he still found moments to be enjoyed. In his darker moments, he kept to himself and did not let many people get too close. In those times he did not know how much he was loved, how many people cared for him.
Today it is known that he was loved. If not by the people around him, always by his Heavenly Father, always by the Author of his days.
I wrote this with my daddy heavily on my heart. He is currently going through some of the darkest days he's yet seen, and in these moments truth and love are difficult to penetrate his mind with. In these darker moments he falls prey to the lies of an even darker voice and those lies perpetually tell him he's of no worth. I wrote this with my heart fully convicted of my love for him and of the desire for him to know the truth. His life is worth the love of blood and sacrifice from a King - and nothing can separate him from that love (Romans 8:38-39)
January 6, 2011
The Unexpected
Like I said, things happen unexpectedly. I received an email from Delta today stating that I unfortunately was not chosen for the position at this time. Well, it was nice of them to send me an email letting me know instead of letting me wait it out like the flame of a candle slowly burning to the wick's end. It was unexpected, to say the least.
I had a false sense of entitlement, if you want to know the truth. I felt I deserved to have that position, it was my heart's deepest desire. How ridiculous of me to feel that way. What do I deserve, other than the rightful punishment for the sins committed against an Almighty God? Why would God "owe me" this? It's natural and okay to have feelings of disappointment over this, but shock...? Why should I feel shocked that Delta didn't choose me for this position? Someone told me they received thousands of applicants for the very position I applied for. Why should I feel I deserved it more than any of the other thousand applicants? There was the spark of hope that I felt when I received a phone call from a Delta employee to interview me. After spending close to 45 minutes on the phone with him answering all sorts of "what if" questions over possible scenarios I'd experience as a flight attendant, he told me he was happy to tell me I was passed on to the next level of the interview process - the online application. He told me to allow 3-6 weeks to hear back from them, and after 6 weeks I could contact them to find out about my status. I didn't even make it to 2 weeks. Now all I can think about was 'what did I put wrong on the application, what should I have said instead?'
The thing is, I answered every question truthfully, I made all entries honestly, therefore I can absolutely know they did not choose me, for me.
There is still hope, not with Delta, obviously, but with my future. The unknown. I still have hope that the Lord has a will for me. He knows my future, has set my steps before I was even born. I have hope and peace in the knowledge He has a job for me, He will place me in a position where I will be a tool for His good work - spreading His word to the unbelieving world. Loving my brothers and sisters, and caring for my family. He will allow me to be a coach for the First Grade team at the 9 AM for The Village - Flower Mound campus (a volunteer position that could have been jeopardized by the constant weekend flights of Delta). He will walk with me through any future endeavors and teach me His ways. I'm in good hands, hands that I don't deserve to be in.
I had a false sense of entitlement, if you want to know the truth. I felt I deserved to have that position, it was my heart's deepest desire. How ridiculous of me to feel that way. What do I deserve, other than the rightful punishment for the sins committed against an Almighty God? Why would God "owe me" this? It's natural and okay to have feelings of disappointment over this, but shock...? Why should I feel shocked that Delta didn't choose me for this position? Someone told me they received thousands of applicants for the very position I applied for. Why should I feel I deserved it more than any of the other thousand applicants? There was the spark of hope that I felt when I received a phone call from a Delta employee to interview me. After spending close to 45 minutes on the phone with him answering all sorts of "what if" questions over possible scenarios I'd experience as a flight attendant, he told me he was happy to tell me I was passed on to the next level of the interview process - the online application. He told me to allow 3-6 weeks to hear back from them, and after 6 weeks I could contact them to find out about my status. I didn't even make it to 2 weeks. Now all I can think about was 'what did I put wrong on the application, what should I have said instead?'
The thing is, I answered every question truthfully, I made all entries honestly, therefore I can absolutely know they did not choose me, for me.
There is still hope, not with Delta, obviously, but with my future. The unknown. I still have hope that the Lord has a will for me. He knows my future, has set my steps before I was even born. I have hope and peace in the knowledge He has a job for me, He will place me in a position where I will be a tool for His good work - spreading His word to the unbelieving world. Loving my brothers and sisters, and caring for my family. He will allow me to be a coach for the First Grade team at the 9 AM for The Village - Flower Mound campus (a volunteer position that could have been jeopardized by the constant weekend flights of Delta). He will walk with me through any future endeavors and teach me His ways. I'm in good hands, hands that I don't deserve to be in.
January 2, 2011
MMXI
January, Two Thousand Eleven.
It's true what they say, when you get older years fly by. For New Years Eve, Ben and I celebrated with my closest, oldest friend, Kristin, and her fiance, Scott. We took them to Reikyu, a place filled with memories for Ben and me- part a of our first New Years celebration three years ago, followed by the Big D NYE at Victory Park in Dallas for the countdown and fireworks (part deux of our first NYE, and the setting of Ben's first confession of his love for me). It felt like just yesterday we were standing under the enormous jumbo tron at Victory Park, and as the entire crowd harmoniously counted-down the seconds to 2008, Ben yelled above the roar three simple words that have since then been engraved into my heart.
We were so blessed to be with some of our closest friends for the 2010-2011 transition, making new memories and traditions, and sharing in great experiences that helped bring one of the more eventful years for me to an end.
As momentous as 2010 was for Ben and me, I have a feeling 2011 holds more incredible and exciting new evolutions for us. Kristin is getting married in June - and for the first time ever I will be playing the Maid (Matron) of Honor for her, a role Kristin and I decided we would each play for the other back in our elementary days. Come May, I should finally graduate from the University of North Texas. I am hoping, and wishing, and praying, and waiting to get a much anticipated interview with Delta Airlines to begin a career as a Flight Attendant for the company. Ben and I plan to take one memorable trip to somewhere outside of Texas for our first anniversary in March. And I will become a coach for the 1st grade team at the 9 AM service for The Village Church: Flower Mound sometime in January.
Much to do, but with all this comes the hope that much will also remain the same. We already renewed our current lease for an additional 15 months. Despite minor hiccups here and there, our friends and family are generally healthy, well off, and without any knowledge of looming tragedy. Plans are constantly being made to meet up with our loved ones for coffees, dinners, games, and movies to maintain and build our current relationships. Books will be read, cars will be driven, and TV will remain mindless and corrupt.
As exciting as the promise of a "new you" can be with the changing of the years, I find peace in the constant and hope in the unchanging. However, we are never guaranteed the constant, in fact we're guaranteed the exact opposite - and looking back into the yester-years, you can see just how quickly the unexpected comes upon you time and time again. Unfortunately tragedy is ever-looming, so here's to taking each day as it comes, loving, laughing, and caring every chance you get, and finding true peace and hope in our constant and unchanging Heavenly Father.
It's true what they say, when you get older years fly by. For New Years Eve, Ben and I celebrated with my closest, oldest friend, Kristin, and her fiance, Scott. We took them to Reikyu, a place filled with memories for Ben and me- part a of our first New Years celebration three years ago, followed by the Big D NYE at Victory Park in Dallas for the countdown and fireworks (part deux of our first NYE, and the setting of Ben's first confession of his love for me). It felt like just yesterday we were standing under the enormous jumbo tron at Victory Park, and as the entire crowd harmoniously counted-down the seconds to 2008, Ben yelled above the roar three simple words that have since then been engraved into my heart.
We were so blessed to be with some of our closest friends for the 2010-2011 transition, making new memories and traditions, and sharing in great experiences that helped bring one of the more eventful years for me to an end.
As momentous as 2010 was for Ben and me, I have a feeling 2011 holds more incredible and exciting new evolutions for us. Kristin is getting married in June - and for the first time ever I will be playing the Maid (Matron) of Honor for her, a role Kristin and I decided we would each play for the other back in our elementary days. Come May, I should finally graduate from the University of North Texas. I am hoping, and wishing, and praying, and waiting to get a much anticipated interview with Delta Airlines to begin a career as a Flight Attendant for the company. Ben and I plan to take one memorable trip to somewhere outside of Texas for our first anniversary in March. And I will become a coach for the 1st grade team at the 9 AM service for The Village Church: Flower Mound sometime in January.
Much to do, but with all this comes the hope that much will also remain the same. We already renewed our current lease for an additional 15 months. Despite minor hiccups here and there, our friends and family are generally healthy, well off, and without any knowledge of looming tragedy. Plans are constantly being made to meet up with our loved ones for coffees, dinners, games, and movies to maintain and build our current relationships. Books will be read, cars will be driven, and TV will remain mindless and corrupt.
As exciting as the promise of a "new you" can be with the changing of the years, I find peace in the constant and hope in the unchanging. However, we are never guaranteed the constant, in fact we're guaranteed the exact opposite - and looking back into the yester-years, you can see just how quickly the unexpected comes upon you time and time again. Unfortunately tragedy is ever-looming, so here's to taking each day as it comes, loving, laughing, and caring every chance you get, and finding true peace and hope in our constant and unchanging Heavenly Father.
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