early morning meditations

"The sky was made at the Lord's command.  By breath from his mouth, he made all the stars."

Psalm 33:6

 

These last few weeks have been rather different for us at the Eenigenburg house.  Ben's car has been unreliable, therefore we've been sharing the one Honda for every activity life demands of us.  It looks something like this:

Monday/Wednesday/Friday...

5:30A we both wake up

5:45A I drive him to work & drop off by 6:00

6:20A I arrive back home & try to fall back to sleep before class

9:00A I wake back up, get ready for school, leave by 10:00

12:00P I leave school to go home/ my dad's & kill time before I pick Ben up between 2-3:00

3:00ishP Ben & I have about 1.5 precious hours to spend with each other before I leave for work at 4:45

5:45P I work until 9

9:30ishP I get home, maybe eat dinner, relax for a bit.... go to sleep to start day all over again

 

But Tuesdays & Thursdays have become my blessing days...

(Repeat 5:30A-6:20A ritual, then pause)

6:30A I make breakfast, put a pot of coffee on, grab my Bible, my journal, the laptop, a trusty black pen, and my Village Church Women's Bible Study Guide.  For the next few hours I get to read, study, meditate, and begin my day growing in knowledge and understanding about my God.  My creator.

 

The study is over Genesis, and for the last three weeks I've been meditating and studying Genesis 1:1

 

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

 

Seemingly not much to study, until you break each word down within the sentence.  Then you begin to open up a new world of spiritual depths that have been hidden so delicately within the simple phrase of the first sentence of the Holy Bible, God's true word.  God created the heavens and the earth.  God.  Only God.  No other thing (creation, chasm, theory) can rightfully take credit for the world/universe we know today.  God created the heavens and the earth.  He created everything.  Everything.  Everything we know today; everything we use, see, touch, smell; every person, every animal.  Everything, God created.  He created it in the beginning.  Before the beginning, He was there.  He will be there when all is destroyed.  He is timeless.  He is brilliant.  He is powerful.  He spoke, and it was.  He wanted, and it was.  Everything works today because of Him.  All is His, we are just meager borrowers of His creation.

 

When you begin your day with this humbling meditation, with the understanding that this is just borrowed time, there's no way your day can be bad.

 

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies announce what his hands have made.  Day after day they tell the story; night after night they tell it again.  They have no speech or words; they have no voice to be heard.  But their message goes out through all the world..."

Psalm 19:1-4

The Power of a Praying Wife, Part 1

I heard so much about this book by Stormie Omartian in the days leading up to our wedding, and then in the days surrounding all the other weddings/bridal parties I attended this year. Each time I would make a mental note to pick this book up, since all the telling sources only raved about how this book saved their marriage, etc., however I only recently purchased and began reading it. Two chapters in, it has transformed my self-serving mind and heart to one that is soft and receptive to my loving husband's.

It's amazing how much I thought only of myself when it came time to pray for our new life together.

Dear God,

Please change Ben to what I want.... Please make him see/do what I want him to see/do.... Please convict him the way I feel he should be convicted....

And do all these things in my time,

Amen!

Maybe that example isn't a true-to-life example of my prior prayer life, but I bet it sounds extremely familiar to God. I was very self-centered, I only wanted God to change Ben, never once thinking it was me who needed the changing. (Chapter One.... first thing to hit home... and it was not easy!) I have learned how my unspoken words will move Ben further than any of my spoken (nagging) words ever will. I have learned that my unattainable expectations for him will be the first thing to bring us down, all because I have a fantasy idea of marriage that we will never be able to live up to. I was reminded that the Bible commands the man to love his wife, and the wife to respect her husband... and oh, how easy it is to lose her respect for her husband when all she dwells on are his negative characteristics. With loss of respect quickly follows loss of love; without that there is no more marriage.

I still struggle, of course, with my selfish prayers, thoughts, hopes, and wishes... however, so far I have learned to check myself more quickly when doing so. I have also gotten into the habit of just shutting up when my mind is screaming degrading responses, nagging comments, digging remarks. I have also grown just a little closer to my Lord, because I am becoming fully dependent on Him to fulfill our marriage, to answer my prayers, and to listen to my complaints. All the above I once looked to Ben to succeed at beforehand, thus causing angry temper tantrums and hurtful word-battles. Now I'm going to the creator, and it's way more beautiful an outcome.

More to come with future daily readings and insights....

scattered thoughts / tormented dreams

don't you hate it when you have hundreds of thoughts, hundreds of thousands of thoughts that spin thru your head day and night until you finally have a moment to get them out and on paper (or web) and then... POOF! they disappear! what was it that i was thinking about just last week for hours and days on end that i wanted to, HAD TO write a blog about....? the minute i finish this blog and step away from the easy access of internet, it will creep into my obsessive compulsive mind. i won't be able to get it off my mind until i sit down to journal about it, because only then does it vanish as though it was never there. hmmmm....

i had a realization about my father the other day.

my dad is the most hopeless romantic i have ever met. he claims he always has been - since adolescence. (this i knew; this was not the realization). of course i have never had the chance to witness his charisma and charm with the woman of his affections since she passed away when i was 6... but the stories he tells! my mother never had a chance, she was to fall for him come hell or high water. no woman (meek or strong) could withstand the beguiling endearment (or so it seemed by his side of the story) of the young patrick.

i grew up hoping for a man with similar characteristics as my father - his charm, his wit, his passion, and his romantic qualities. most boys/men fell vastly short of the high bar my dreams set for them, all because i was in constant audience to love stories or tears for heart-felt sorrow that my father continuously emanated. you see, my mother has now been deceased for 17 years... a lifetime to many... and yet she is all my father can think about it. she is his yesterday and today. she will be his tomorrow whether he likes it or not because he refuses to move on. growing up i thought "that was love." that was commitment at best! how perfect must my mother have been that my father - a handsome, smart, charismatic man (now in his mid-50s) cannot, will not get over. i grew up thinking his obsession was not unhealthy, but sorrowfully romantic. i grew up thinking their marriage would have withstood the test of time since it currently does...

then came my sudden, unbeknown realization that has slowly formed in my incogitative

thought... my mother was not as perfect as my father has let on. in fact the nancy he lies awake missing nightly is probably nothing like what my mother was once like. my father has had 17 painful years of missing his beloved. 17 years to dwell on memories and thoughts, and "what-ifs." my father has had 17 years to dream up this woman... this siren who steals him from his daily activities to break into tearful memories (some of which are probably long since fabricated, thus untrue). i bet the first few years of his lament was real. he probably dealt with continuous nightmares of the most simple memories. but he also probably started to remember moments incorrectly. his mind has most likely created false memories to help soften the pain of the horrid "what-ifs." how do i know this? his last memory of my mother is of her dying in his arms. he tells the story all the time and how he's glad he was there during her last moments here on earth, even though they were and will forever be the hardest moments he has ever experienced. however, my mother did not die in his arms. she passed away after briefly waking up from a week-long coma to find my aunt kaycia sitting by her bed. my dad was in my little sister's room taking care of her. my mother whispered softly "do you hear them? do you hear the music...? it's so beautiful...." and then slowly passed away unto our Heavenly Father's arms. my father was not with her. he hated himself for that every day for years and years - but instead of succumbing to the looming depression he felt dragged towards, his mind/heart healed itself by creating a new memory. a better one. we cannot and dare not correct this memory, the fight that springs forth from the mere mention of what really happened to my father is far less worth letting him keep his dominating thought.

my father's hopeless romanticism is no longer my hopes and dreams for my beloved, benji. i hope he never has to feel the pain and torment as my father does on a daily basis. i do not want him to love me as much as my father obsessively loves my mother. the idolatry in that is beyond expression - and the insanity behind that must feel like a living death every day to my father.

"to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion"

i'm married! we're married. the strangest feeling. it's like being 17 and waiting for your 18th birthday... you wait, what feels like forever, and when it's finally here - you celebrate with a few good souls, receive some blessings/ advice/ well wishes and then you go to sleep... wake up the next day, and everything feels pretty much the same. wait, shouldn't i feel different? shouldn't i look different; be different? it feels like nothing happened, and yet the biggest change in my life took place. soon i will apply for a new name, and this lindsey shaw will cease to exist in global records.

i will have a new identity, with the possibilty of a new life.

this suddenly feels like a picture of our relationship and marriage to Christ. once you committ your heart, soul, body and mind to Christ - your old self ceases to exist. and in its place you're given a new life, new heart, soul, body and mind that has been transformed by God. one that lives for Him, thirsts for Him, breaks for Him and provides Him all the glory and honor (which was once stored up for self.) you die to your old self, and you receive a new "name," a new identity, a new life.

life doesn't feel too different yet, despite the fact that i live with a boy in my room and he happens to be the best cuddle buddy in the world.... however i know my heart is changing. little by little i see how natural it can be to put him before me and find joy through that. our time together is not strained with caution for purity sake and our intimacy is not through physical acts, but acts of vulnerability and trust.

life is sweet thus far, with a hope and promise to only get sweeter.

this is it

we received our marriage license today. that was an adventure.

[setting: the most gloomy place imaginable. a couple just left the waiting area to be wed by the justice of the peace... nothing romantic about their occasion, no big spectacle that has their friends and loved ones "ooooing" and "aweing"... no big dollar signs weighing her shoulders down. i envy her and pity her all at once.]

clerk [in the least excitable voice]: how may i help you?
us: we're here to apply for a marriage license!
clerk: okay. please answer these questions truthfully...
are you siblings by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the child of the other's aunt or uncle, either by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the blood/adopted child of the other's grandparent related to the other by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you related to the other's neighbor who has been or will be related to the other's grandparent's nephew or niece by blood or adoption, now or ever?
uhhhhh..... no...?

just kidding, i made the last part up. but it did definitely feel like we were being screened for the next springer show, and at times it had me panicking that we might fail our marriage license application. we didn't. all is well.

we have 6 days left. 6 days. it hasn't truly hit me yet that in one week from now i will be married. i don't think i've really processed my emotions just yet, i've been too busy planning the most creatively budget wedding i have ever heard of. when will i begin to feel the relief of all spent efforts? all i keep thinking about is what all still needs to be done (a lot) and how will we make it without financial help.

on the bright side, we only have 6 days left. in 6 days it won't matter what had to be foregone in the wake of all necessities... all that will matter is i will be escorted by my father to my best friend where we will exchange life-binding vows in front of our closest friends and family. that is good news.

in the end, i will make it through this week and will come out on top... or bottom ;)

neglect, at its finest

my roommate's packing her side of the house. slowly. deliberately. every once in a while she comes across something that deems worthy of stopping to peruse over. usually it's something from our past: an old picture, note, journal entry. we have been best friends since we can remember, like around toddlerhood. she has been closer to me than my own sisters, and i bet she'd same the same about me. she's my maid of honor and has done more for my wedding than even i have. and i have neglected her.

i have not been the best friend i once was (although to be fair, when we were in elementary & middle school i "broke up" with her every summer because i wanted to have other friends and only felt this was possible without her in my life...... it would only last for a day or two.... i don't do that anymore). i have neglected a lot of my friends these last few years.

last sunday was my first bridal shower, and i was blessed with all the women from my current and past life that showed up for love, support, and celebration. i was honestly surprised at how many showed up, many of whom i have not spoken to in many years. they drove to me, for me, from cities and states away. i was blessed, and shocked, and moved beyond words.

last saturday i met with a not-so-long lost friend for drinks and talk. at one point, just a few years ago, i considered her one of my closest friends, yet life separated us so far that i had to follow to her not-so-new house so i wouldn't get lost, had to ask for directions within her house, and surveyed her lived-in upstairs with fresh, never-before-seen eyes. we cried with one another when we began speaking of how far our friendship has strayed. i had hurt her deeply, all because i was "too busy" being preoccupied with trivial life doings.

i asked two men, who at one point were my closest guyfriends (who i travelled to austin with for a weekend of servitude just a few years ago), for their addresses for wedding invitations. one was surprised i asked him, the other has since gotten married since the last time i spoke to him.

when did i become so self involved? where had i placed all the importance that once belonged to my closest friends?

i am so sorry for the neglect i have done you. you are important to me, more than you know. you are very important to me, and my life has felt bitter-empty without you there, it just took me a while to realize.

craziness encompasses

Less than 2 months to go!

I guess I have no right to complain, I chose the date knowing it will come sooner than I could blink. Planning a wedding on a restricted budget of little more than monopoly money is harder than I expected, however.

• Find the Venue..... check (just recently)
• Verify the date...... check (along with the venue finding)
• Finalize invitation....... check (now to gather the addresses.... if I want to invite person A, who is dating person B, does that mean I have to invite person C, person B's BFF who I only kinda know?!)
• Find, apply, sign on first year home.... check, check, soon to be check (cross the fingers!) - Lewisville, here we come. Denton, it's gonna be a sad day...
• Make final payment on the most beautiful, perfect dress ever..... will "check" soon and I cannot wait!!!
• Figure out if we're gonna do engagement photos/ bridal photos
• Finish pre-marital counseling
• Design Ceremony & Reception decorations.... (will we be able to feed the guests?.... how much will they hate us if we don't?)
  
• Decide on rehearsal dinner place
• Make sure everyone involved has their outfits.... (I want you to wear this... I mean as long as it's not too expensive to buy.... just please get it by X day...... but if you can't I understand.... when can I demand they do what I ask because it's my wedding!?!?)
  

What am I missing?... cuz I know it's a lot. What will be that thing, that event, that panic attack that is just waiting to surprise me at the last minute in the coming weeks?

I thought this process would be different. It's a lot harder to do on your own, without a mother to help and to eventually take over. It's hard when you're a pretty creative person and have dreamed of the perfect wedding since forever and then you realize it's impossible because, again, you have monopoly money to work with.

I just want a pretty wedding. I want one that will be memorable, and unique, and doesn't show that I had absolutely no money. It's hard to picture what it's going to look like after attending the numerous gorgeous, professional, perfect weddings that were sprinkled throughout these last few years.

I really do know I shouldn't complain. I am marrying the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that is all that matters. The sky could open up keeping all the wise safe in their homes and leaving only Ben, my uncle (the preacher) and myself to exchange our vows.... and I'll be content.

Please Lord, calm my soul. Tell me it's going to be okay, that it's going to work out. Help me trust your will to be done, Lord. Thank you for this new experience. Please bless it, and be glorified by it.
Amen.