"to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion"

i'm married! we're married. the strangest feeling. it's like being 17 and waiting for your 18th birthday... you wait, what feels like forever, and when it's finally here - you celebrate with a few good souls, receive some blessings/ advice/ well wishes and then you go to sleep... wake up the next day, and everything feels pretty much the same. wait, shouldn't i feel different? shouldn't i look different; be different? it feels like nothing happened, and yet the biggest change in my life took place. soon i will apply for a new name, and this lindsey shaw will cease to exist in global records.

i will have a new identity, with the possibilty of a new life.

this suddenly feels like a picture of our relationship and marriage to Christ. once you committ your heart, soul, body and mind to Christ - your old self ceases to exist. and in its place you're given a new life, new heart, soul, body and mind that has been transformed by God. one that lives for Him, thirsts for Him, breaks for Him and provides Him all the glory and honor (which was once stored up for self.) you die to your old self, and you receive a new "name," a new identity, a new life.

life doesn't feel too different yet, despite the fact that i live with a boy in my room and he happens to be the best cuddle buddy in the world.... however i know my heart is changing. little by little i see how natural it can be to put him before me and find joy through that. our time together is not strained with caution for purity sake and our intimacy is not through physical acts, but acts of vulnerability and trust.

life is sweet thus far, with a hope and promise to only get sweeter.

this is it

we received our marriage license today. that was an adventure.

[setting: the most gloomy place imaginable. a couple just left the waiting area to be wed by the justice of the peace... nothing romantic about their occasion, no big spectacle that has their friends and loved ones "ooooing" and "aweing"... no big dollar signs weighing her shoulders down. i envy her and pity her all at once.]

clerk [in the least excitable voice]: how may i help you?
us: we're here to apply for a marriage license!
clerk: okay. please answer these questions truthfully...
are you siblings by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the child of the other's aunt or uncle, either by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the blood/adopted child of the other's grandparent related to the other by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you related to the other's neighbor who has been or will be related to the other's grandparent's nephew or niece by blood or adoption, now or ever?
uhhhhh..... no...?

just kidding, i made the last part up. but it did definitely feel like we were being screened for the next springer show, and at times it had me panicking that we might fail our marriage license application. we didn't. all is well.

we have 6 days left. 6 days. it hasn't truly hit me yet that in one week from now i will be married. i don't think i've really processed my emotions just yet, i've been too busy planning the most creatively budget wedding i have ever heard of. when will i begin to feel the relief of all spent efforts? all i keep thinking about is what all still needs to be done (a lot) and how will we make it without financial help.

on the bright side, we only have 6 days left. in 6 days it won't matter what had to be foregone in the wake of all necessities... all that will matter is i will be escorted by my father to my best friend where we will exchange life-binding vows in front of our closest friends and family. that is good news.

in the end, i will make it through this week and will come out on top... or bottom ;)