dancing leaves around the poverty

This weather we're experiencing in North Texas is resonating with my heart in a big way. Clear, sunny skies and soft, cool breeze create such a wonder and appreciation for God's love for this unique city. I'm sitting in Jupiter House, on one of the most comfortable couches I've ever slouched in, and I'm delighting in watching the massive trees that decorate the courthouse's lawn dance and sway their lazy arms in the wind.

My bare feet dangle and sprawl across the long coffee table in front of me, and I feel at home; surrounded by dozens of strangers, and I feel at home. My ears are filled with Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Gavin DeGraw who make-up one of my favorite Pandora stations, aptly named "Whispering Breeze Radio." They are the perfect artists to express my heart's pleasure on days like today.

I wish I didn't have any set plans today. I have an accounting class at 6:30, but I'd much rather be stretched out across a soft blanket laid underneath one of the strong and bending courthouse trees with Ben and a good book or fun game to be played. Lately Ben and I have been trying to stay away from the usual eat-out/rent-a-movie/stay-in sort of nights and substitute the events with a fun game at Art6 or with family... he is one of the most patient, imaginative, intelligent persons to play very ridiculous games with! I love that about him, and appreciate it most when I'm being an overly poor loser (which never really happens, I always win. always.)

My heart wants to hurt for the people in Galveston or Houston (and all the towns all around and in between) that have been greatly demolished by Hurricane Ike, but it just cannot seem to be moved from this positive, placid state it's in. Days like today, moments like right now, make me slip into a belief that nothing is truly wrong with this world... that everyone is experiencing euphoria just like I am. I know it's a complete lie and a trick Satan tends to tempt me with to make me forget about the truth and ugliness of this world, but it's my honest feelings right now.

The world around me is so broken, the world within me is so broken, however I can disregard that information immediately upon my heart's satisfaction, like right now. I think that's why it's so important to not stay sedentary in one place for too long. We need to constantly be acknowledging the world around us, the pain and depression it feels on a day-to-day basis. I told Ben I want to work with an organization like TOMS Shoes that creates and gives away one shoe to a little impoverished child for every shoe sold. I would be going to Africa or Argentina to do shoe drops every so often, and Ben questioned why I don't do something like that here. He said he knows the distress and dilemma Africa or even Latin America experiences, however we, as a nation, are so quick to forget (or look over) the poverty here in the U.S. He's right. There is poverty, abuse, and death right down the street from me, so why am I so apt to desire helping Africa and not think once about helping my neighbor?

I guess this is what happens to me when I really start thinking about the beauty and love easy days like today means to me. Yes, God created a day like today simply out of love and affection for us, His children, however I am not to experience these moments without any thought to what days like today mean to other people. This world is not about me, something I forget way too easily. This world was not meant for me, today was not meant for me... it's shared with me. His love is being shared with me in this moment, and I need to realize how exactly to pass on His love to others.

tulips and wine

Andrew Eenigenburg once asked me what is the most romantic thing Ben has ever done for me... I thought about it for a moment, for I did not want to give just any answer, and eventually I decided upon not one, but many similar acts he has done/does for me: surprise me with fresh exotic looking tulips and a letter sweetly and sincerely written out of his heart for me. It was a good answer, everyone decided, and a great thought to consume my jumbled mind for a few moments.

Weeks pass, almost a month, we celebrated my birthday with tons of friends, some family, food, drinks, and plenty of laughter. The night came and went too quickly, in my opinion. I wanted to freeze-frame the dinner aspect of the night, where friends from my childhood, present, and even future came together to let me know how much they love me. Aaron rapped while Ben beat-boxed a little medley for my "big day." Kristin Fowler, my best friend ever since infancy, Laurie, my dear sister, Denise and Caitlin, my two closest friends, all graced my presence in such harmony to my heart, as well as many, many other dear friends. I was swimming and flying, at the same time, with love... and a little alcohol. The night was barely spent with one on one time with Ben, which I lamented, being that he's my favorite of all, but a promise was made to celebrate my birthday just the two of us in the near future.

Another few weeks pass. The near future presented itself last night.

I came home from a looooong day at work, my feet were angry with me, my back was moody, and my mind was exhausted. I lent Ben my key for the day so that he could take care of Bailey through out the day, being that he had the day off, and I was going to be gone for about 10 consecutive hours. He met me at my house, already had taken Bailey out for the night, she was fed and reared up to bounce and play. I crashed on the couch upon arrival, needless to say. We cuddled, fiddled on the internet, watched late night tv, and just soaked up each other's loving. My door was closed to my room with the light on inside, I thought that was strange but I also just figured it had closed over time, my mind was too tired to ponder or investigate. Eventually I got up to begin getting ready for bed, I told Ben I was going to change in my room, so that he wouldn't walk in, and after opening the door to my suspicious room I was met with a picnic basket laid gently on my bed, filled to the brim with sweet goodies only Ben knows I love and enjoy: hot red tulips, a bottle of chardonnay, roasted almonds of butter rum and sea salt, vanilla and hazelnut coffee, a vanilla candle, and a card. I was so surprised, so ecstatic! I yelled and jumped in a manner of excitement, and demanded Ben's presence immediately. He was so humble, receiving praises and "thank yous" left and right. He just kept saying "of course," "it's no problem," and "it's not enough... there's more." He said I am to be met with a surprise at my house today, at one o'clock, and I am not to leave my house at all around then. I have absolutely no idea what's to come, I can't believe there's more to his surprise. Excitement, mingled with angst is beginning to boil within me. He has completely outdone himself, I never saw this coming.
I am truly blessed with such a wonderful life: amazing friends, loyal family, and one romantically spontaneous, incredibly loving, Godly manfriend!

Ben, if you read this, thank you for yesterday, today, and whatever tomorrow brings.

"The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conduced, will yield the imagination of a higher joy than fiction."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

cool breeze and sunshine mornings.

monday through friday i wake up around 6:20a.m., throw on whatever's closest to me, ready myself in the bathroom, and drive 15 minutes to argyle to take care of one rather free-spirited little girl. i've repeated this movement day after day, week after week, for 4 months now, and i have yet to pass a morning without an awe-inspiring, God-created, Christ-centered, nature-worshiping-Him moment in the early morning hours of the newly created day.

today was one of my favorites. just as i rounded a slow curving turn, where the tree-lined view opened to small rolling hills and expansive pastures and meadows, just past a white-picket fence, the sun made it's bold appearance right beneath purple streaked clouds that rested upon a vast light blue, golden-kissed sky. if i wasn't driving i would have dropped to my knees and sang out His name right then. it was one of the most beautiful pictures i have ever witnessed, and it was just the beginning of a brand-new, promise-filled day.

sometimes, when i'm surrounded and captured by breath-taking moments such as that, i can't help but feel as though God created that picture just for me. i feel as if i've been isolated from the rest of the world just so my Creator can have a special moment with me. in instances like that, i know i am a precious daughter of a king, a spotless bride to be pursued by His Majesty. my picture only lasted for a few minutes, but in my heart and soul, it will last for all eternity.

thank you, Jesus. thank you, LORD.

6 little monkeys jumpin on a bed, 1 fell off and bumped his head...

6 - 1 = 5
{in no particular order}

my 5 most favorite things to do...
5. create
4. read
3. play
2. dance
1. laugh


my 5 most favorite songs, ever...
1. something by the beatles
2. in & out by hillsongunited
3. paradise city by guns & roses
4. across the universe by the beatles
5. clocks by coldplay


my 5 best memories so far...
5. watching robin hood men in tights with my sisters... anytime & everytime we do so
4. lounging in grassy fields with benj, ice water, and a good book
3. creating art to the garden state soundtrack my senior year
2. white water rafting, all 3 times i've done so, with krisie noelle & kristin kemp that one time
1. spain


my 5 worst memories so far...
1. my mom's early departure
2. my dad's coma
3. fighting with krisie noelle, losing her friendship for about a year
4. the depths of high school, the brokenness it can produce on such innocent hearts
5. the dark nights of my freshman year in college


what i'm most thankful for, limit: 5...
5. my friends
4. my love
3. my church
2. his grace
1. my family


5 things i would share with the world, if i could...
1. ridiculous dance moves
2. laughter
3. truth
4. comfort
5. inner peace, the kind only jesus' love produces


5 wishes...
i wish i was a better person. a kinder person, more gentler, more graceful, more patient with my loved ones. i wish i was more like the kind of woman my mom wanted me to be... the kind of person my mom was. beautiful inside that radiated out.

i wish i could write the same kind of poetry i did 7 years ago. 7 years ago i was still innocent in my understanding of this world. 7 years ago my heart sang forth a perceived truth and love that felt like it would last forever... it may not have been real, but it was really nice to know then.

i wish i was more thoughtful with my words and actions. the bible constantly warns against unguarded words; we will be held accountable by our words one day, if only i paid more time and attention to thinking mine through before i vomit them up like high school's meat-surprise.

i wish i wasn't so self-involved. i wish i didn't take myself, my life, my present state of being so seriously. this life is not mine, and yet i cling to it as though it's my life boat, my measly destroyed wooden raft. isaiah mocks idol-worshipers, laments them, i see that, and yet i still close-fist my life.

i wish i did a lot of things different in my past, made different decisions. however, i am so thankful for the Lord's grace, love, patience, forgiveness, and forgetfulness. i love how he can take a broken, desperate life like mine and turn it into something of worth and glory for his name. i'm thankful that he has me, that he's had me since before i was a thought in my parents' eye, and will have me for all eternity.

in my lady's house

my recipe to a perfect day:

• a vast blue sky with small white fluffy clouds gliding by
• temperatures in the low 60's, with a promise of rising no higher than low 70's
• sweet aromatic coffee brewing just a few feet away
• iron & wine or coldplay softly creating melodies in the background
• my journal opened to a blank page, inviting me to dive deep within my thoughts and soul
• boxer-shorts, a long sleeve tee, and knee high argyle socks lounging in a lay-z-boy
  
• my playful pup jumping around her ball on the flower-filled balcony
• my phone lighting up with a new text from my love
• a whisper on my heart that guides me through His truth...

...God really knows how to construct one incredible day!


In My Lady's House by Iron & Wine
there is light in my lady's house
and there's none but some falling rain
this like a spoken word
she is more than her thousand names

no hands are half as gentle
or firm as they like to be
thank God you see me the way you do
strange as you are to me

it is good in my lady's house
every shape that her body makes
love is a fragile word
in the air on the length we lay

no hands are half as gentle
or firm as they like to be
thank God you see me the way you do
strange as you are to me

"HEY YOU GUYYS" -Chunk, my favorite Goonie

So, it's been a while since I've last been on here. I guess I haven't had much to say, except I have had a lot to say and I've just lacked the desire and motivation to post it...

I freakin went to Spain! It's been about a month now, actually exactly one month now.... man does time fly. Oh, how I loved Spain! I loved every second of that trip, even the testing part at the end when, as Aaron put it, my "emotional egg was beginning to crack." We were stuck in the Atlanta airport for a day and a night with the possibility of having to stay another night before any flights would open up for us. I was exhausted, stanky, and cranky..... yea, I was borderline losing it. But God was totally there!

He had his hand over the entire trip, the planning, the actuality of it, the return, everything! I have never had to be more dependent on Him than in this past moment of my life: he provided the money to get there, he provided our seats on the plane - literally! (I never want to fly any other way than stand-by ever again, p.s.) He was there opening my eyes, ears, senses to the world around me, placed my thoughts where He wanted them to be in whatever moment I was in. He was the director of my photography.

He brought us home, even in my moments of doubt, he was there, in control, fingers on the strings that held my strategically timed life together. He placed us on first class for the 9 hour flight back..... oh what a life! I sure was spoiled, thank you Jesus!!! God took his children on a trip, as Aaron so poetically asked him to before our first take off. It was so perfect, I cannot wait for the next one.

I started a new job last week. I'm a sales associate at a new high-end boutique in the Shops at Highland Village, called Apricot Lane Boutique. We carry all sorts of trendy designers, and it's so small and personal that I actually love the retail aspect of it! Last time I left retail, I swore I'd never be back for it was too stressful - dealing with all the chaos of the summer & holiday seasons, and the needy/greedy moms and teens... but this time it's different. The store is so upscale and expensive, we won't have the ridiculousness of little teens running around, trying everything on and buying nothing, nor will we have the holiday rush and panic. I love doing the visual merchandising and displays, I love training and teaching and sharing my selling-secrets... I'm crossing my fingers that I will receive a promotion to assistant manager in just a few months, and perhaps become the general manager of my own store by the end of the year! That's what was potentially promised to me.... time will tell.

School's about to end and summer will be a sweet relief. These last few semesters have been trying ones for me - not that they've been hard or anything, my mind and heart just haven't been there. It's been a real task for me to focus or create the drive and motivation to attend class and do some studying. For the first time since I can remember, I have allowed myself to seriously slack off and have not reprimanded myself for it. I went into last semester with the hopes of getting my GPA back above a 3.5, but that will not be the case this year. I realized today how indifferent I am to the whole idea of my recent slacker habits, I don't know what my deal is, but I do know the sluggish motivation I have developed has slowly seeped itself into other critical parts of my life: my physical health - I never work out anymore, my spiritual health - cannot seem to commit myself to a daily quiet time, my financial spending, and my cleaning habits. Proverbs rebukes strongly against slothfulness, however I've taken on a "no pasa nada" point of view. Hopefully this summer will provide me with enough rest and fellowship to re energize me for the next year..... and maybe then I'll finally get to graduate!!

"Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms." -D.Schrute

i have a problem with flirty girls. especially flirty girls that flirt with other girl's boyfriends. shamelessly flirt. no, i do not like that.

i fear that i have been that kind of a girl at some point in my life. people have brought it to my attention plenty of times how much of a flirt i am, er well... was... can be. i've been making a strong effort to flee from that kind of situation, and i hope it's apparent.

i hope i've never made another girl mad by flirting with her boyfriend unintentionally, there's probably no worse an emotion than that of a jealous person... definitely no least flattering of one.

jealousy is not a pretty color on anyone. fact.

ALSO
it snowed today, really snowed. 4 inches, i'd gather. it's march! march. goodness i love texas!!

ben and i engaged in a rather proper snowball fight several times today: first as we were leaving golden corral, our lunch date of the day, and it was hard.core., then when we got back to my apartment as we were attempting to enter it, and again when my roomie made us go out to the tennis court with the dogs - where all madness occurred.... all the above =ed an a-ok day with my hunny buns.

AND THEN
i found out the other day that my dad is gonna support my trip to spain in a big way. totally and completely a God-sent gift. i really was starting to worry for a bit, i was starting to question whether God really wanted me to go because no matter what i attempted, i could not save up enough money to fully take care of myself while there.

my dad doesn't want me to go, per say, in fact he strongly feels spain to be the resident of our future anti-christ, for some reason, but he told me he'll support me however i need him to - and i think with the abundance of money he's planning on granting me, i'm gonna help take care of my friends while there! that's my hope and desire.



k. that should do it.

OH YEAH
i got a 100 on my online quiz today!! that was killer. i have a test for the class on sunday, and i haven't been doing too well on the quizzes recently, so that was a very needed encouragement.



alrighty then, the end.

No Greater Sin

I've been taught my whole life that God sees all sins as equal, which escaped my understanding back in the day: someone killing someone was just as bad, in God's eyes, as someone lying to their parents (my prominent struggle back then) - that, to me, was insane! The Lord has blessed me with a better understanding over the years and I can clearly see his reasoning for that idea now. Anything that is not of God is against God, anything that is sinful separates us from him, no matter the smallest of envious feelings or the boldest actions from hatred – anything sprung out of pride is found repugnant in His eyes. It makes sense, now. I know His grace, I understand His boundaries, and I fear His consequences and wrath. I desire to obey Him, to live a righteous life that brings glory to His name… and yet, I still struggle.

There are many large obstacles in my path, clearly sinful impediments that I chose to go through rather than ask God to take me around them. It’s easy for me to take advantage of his mercy and grace and the idea that no one sin is greater than any other; it’s easy for me to say that and compare my constant struggle to that of a mere white lie (which in His eyes is detestable, yet in our society’s eyes it’s a necessity) and figure it’s no big deal if I keep my “small” struggle to myself and not give it to God just a little while longer. I’ve been living that way for so long, and I know it is a weight that slows my growth in my walk with him. I know it’s a burden that I can easily give to God, so why don’t I?

In Ephesians 5, Paul talks about certain sinful deeds that are not holy and only serve to separate us from his Kingdom. He listed out only a select few acts, a select few that I found repeatedly warned about over and over and over again throughout the Bible, all the sins that are spawned from their father: pride. Paul lists the sins, discusses them each briefly, and reminds the followers to not believe the lies spread about the specific sinful acts – the lies that say the acts are okay/ not as bad as others/ a part of life/ etc.

That was my problem. I know my struggles are bad and do not glorify his name, they only lift my selfish pride up – sometimes above His throne, even. I chose to continue dwelling within my obstacles because I truly believed it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. I chose to lend an ear to the world’s “truth” and advice rather than to my Father’s! – the creator of me and my heart and my path. I feel so foolish.

Yes, no one sin is greater, in every little sinful act I do separates me from His throne. My disobedience (even in the most minuscule way) dishonors Him, hurts Him, and taints His name in the eyes of the unknowing world that watch me.

In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord. So live like children who belong to the light. Light brings every kind of goodness, right living, and truth. Try to learn what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the things done in darkness, which are not worth anything. But show that they are wrong… Use every chance you have for doing good, because these are evil times.”

-Ephesians 5: 8-11 & 16

Amen.

Lovely Denton

A GOD-SENT DAY ON THE GOOD 'OL SQUARE

beautiful. wouldn't you say?

a little black & white view-point.
what if you could only see in black & white?.... that would be insane, to not truly know or understand the depths and vividness of color? geez. no, i don't want that for me or any of my loved ones.

i love this picture, i think it's because of the numerous tree branches that are rather minute and overly plentiful in this shot.
let's think about it... what if you met someone that could not see color... how would you explain to them the power of a sunset? how could they completely appreciate a flower? to them, it's just a different dimension of daytime brightness, or just another plant, you know?

the kiss.

I do not like tomatoes. Ben just said something about eating one and I was filled with inexpressible disgust... yuck. I would never dare to say God messed up on a project, but I do feel He was just kiddin when he created such a detestable fruit-veg. I hope that's not blasphemous. I feel the same way about giraffes... it was all a big joke. I love those animals though, I hate tomatoes.

Okay, that's all for now.... I'm gonna go hang out with the apple of my eye.

What's been up lately:

A few weeks ago I ventured to Denton Thrift to find some key items I felt my wardrobe was lacking: a football jersey, an argyle sweater, a couple cardigans in various colors, a robe (that I have yet to wear and may never because it's not at all what I expected), and two nightgowns. The entire time I was shopping I kept finding different items that would remind me of Denise or Caitlin and I so wanted to purchase those items for them, but I decided to wait because I'd only end up wearing what I purchased for them if I bought it now. I think I went to the store initially because I wanted more sweaters like the ones Denise gave to Caitlin and me before they left. I wear that sweater that you gave me, Denise, all the time and constantly receive compliments for it, Bonnie even told me last time she saw me wearing it how "fashionable" I looked... I couldn't help but laugh because the sweater is totally 80's and vintage.... but I love it so much, seriously - thank you! My hunt was very successful, I cannot wait to show you (DB & Cait.) what I purchased, you'll be lovingly jealous and happy for me at the same time. No worries, you can borrow it all.

My heart has been really unsettled with my current job dispositions. I can't help but feel as though the quality of what I put into my job is completely underestimated by the quantity received from the work I put in. It's not fair in my eyes and I'm being burnt out by it. I don't want to be another turnover that sends my work place into a frenzy to find my replacement, but I don't think it's a good environment for me to be in anymore, no fruition is coming to the surface from my presence there - that is probably one of the most frustrating things, also the sabotage I've felt lately, or maybe sabotage is the wrong word, but very unnecessary drama being created to be placed on my shoulders - not cool. Prayer would by nice in this field, prayer over direction on where to go next? I don't even know where to begin looking, but I know I need to start now if I'm to accomplish my goal of putting my two weeks notice in two weeks before spring break.

Ben & I have been enjoying some of the most wonderful afternoons Denton has ever seen! The other day we hung out at my apartment and watched a few episodes of The Office, after I got my much needed Dwight-fix we went to Starbucks off the loop and drank iced drinks out on the patio for hours.
Three things made that moment the best one yet: ONE, the weather was perfect! Like 70something degrees (in Feb., I love Texas)... my favorite kind of weather. TWO, we had the patio all to ourselves... where everyone else was, I don't know, nor do I care - it was our patio for the few hours we were there. And THREE, Ben ordered, and drank, an iced Caramel Macchiato.... a coffee drink! He hates coffee!!!! I LOOOOOooOOoOOOoOve coffee... talk about a turn-on. Weird, I know. It happened. I was joyful. All we did for those few hours was talk and talk and smooch and talk and talk about life. Every aspect of life; I can talk to that person about anything and everything for days and still have things to say.
Our friendship is so unique to me, and it has become so incredibly apparent just how much of a blessed gift he is in my life, seriously - God is spoiling me and he doesn't even care. Awesome. Also, Ben swears as we were leaving the Starbucks' crew appeared on the porch and gave us a round of applause. Now, I did not see this, but he has yet to change his story, so I'm going to assume this is true and let it add to the brilliancy of our day together. Love that man, truth.

I'm trying to go to Spain with Aaron over spring break to see my very missed lady friends. I hope it all works out, it looks like it will - but you never know. I've learned over the years not to get my hopes up, it's too dangerous to the heart... better to have your heart be surprised by things going the way you had hoped than to have it be let down (that's not something I always say, but it sounds like the type of phrase you would follow with "... that's what I always say." so for that purpose alone....)... that's what I always say.

Alright, bed time. I'm to up in 5 1/2 hours to take a little girl to school, then school myself. Love it.
Also, my dog is fighting off an evil villain at the end of my bed... in her dreams... right now. Love that too.

and love you, whoever you are.

Oh, Michelle - I'll write you an e-mail soon, I've been slacking on my internet visits lately, so this post was a little bit for you... but I'll also e-mail you in full soon.

the most perfect response to my thoughts

2 timothy 2:24-26

God's servants must not be argumentative but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands…

thank you denisie

davanti thoughts...

i hate how some people are only nice to you when it benefits them the most.

i despise how they feel as though they have every right to snob you 83% of the time, but when they can get something out of that other 17% - oh they take it alright! suddenly they're your best friend and it hurts their feelings if you don't acknowledge and appreciate the way they're reaching out to you... in turn, you're the bad guy.

i am really not a huge fan of these types of people... and yet i'm sure i've been that person to someone somewhere out there, without ever realizing it.

also. i hate the feeling of being taken advantage of. that's not a cool feeling. i've been feeling that way lately by a few authoritative figures and it seems as though i don't have a voice to speak up and set things straight. how can someone rob you of your voice simply by being in the position they're in?

hitler must have created that scenario - sounds like something hitler would do.

my heart's song

you've given me breath
you've blessed me with wonder
watched me take my first step
helped me up when i plundered

you're with me in times of pain
in times of innocence and truth
in times of nervousness and shame
or when there's nothing left to lose

but i did not take your hand
when the road ahead was jagged
i instead found trust in man
who left me torn and tattered

i dabbled in the arts of earth
found sustenance in her games
cherished every place i searched
for anything to give me a name

when all along you grasped the strings
that preceded my every plan
you moved the obstacles i treaded through
created the course i swam

in you i should have placed my heart
you're the only thing that's stone
you're my keeper, my abba, my pillar too
to you is whom i should have gone

praise you for the grace you shed
for your everlasting forgiveness
praise you for your persual of me
and for your acceptance of my penance

thank you for your enduring love
for your protection over my heart
thank you for your unfailing son
by him we'll never be apart.

stupid pride

"Stop asking questions and pay attention to me!"
That is my little sister, Allie's, favorite quote of mine, and she tells anyone and everyone that quote when asked to sum me up. Granted, the situation we were in when I delivered said quote deems explanation: I was trying on a new outfit before going out somewhere and I was unsure of what I truly thought about it, thus needing her help, yet receiving only her demand.... hence the quote. There are times, however when I really do feel that way - pay attention to me right now, only me! My pride is through this roof at times, I'm embarrassed to admit this but it became so clear to me today before and during church and obviously needs some reckoning with.

My second or third week visiting Michelle's homegroup that Stephanie brought me to, we were all sitting around Caitlin's living room praying for one another and just reveling in the Lord's presence, when Steph took hold of the prayer chain and went after it with all her might - stopping and praying for every individual in the room. She came to me, one of the last to be prayed for, and she began her prayer for me, "Lord, thank you for breaking Lindsey of her narcissism and self-[something]..." I was HUMILIATED! yet could only laugh at the situation at hand because homegroup is the perfect place to lay all your uglies out and be loved the more for them, right?

Honestly up until then I did not think my pride a huge deal - pride is something I've grown up around, my dad prides himself in his own pride... talk about a predicament. Where do you begin to tackle that one? He's always taught us "You're a Shaw! You reign from the Scottish Shaw Clan, we were WARRIORS! That's why you argue and fight! It's in your blood!!!" I could not make this up. He taught me to think the best of myself, good for self-confidence and getting out of high school alive, horrible for day to day Christian living, however.

Okay, so today. Well no, I'll back up: last night Ben, Andrew and I went to the 5 o'clock service at the H.V. campus, therefore I got my weekly church service in, weekly worship service: check. (I cannot remember the last time I felt that way - checking off my church attendance as though it's another note on my weekly to-do list.) Afterwards Ben and I hung out til a reasonable hour then went our separate ways and off to bed with the plan to go to the Denton campus' 11 o'clock service the next day (today).

All went according to plan for the most part, except that when I woke up this morning, I really did not want to go to church... I all ready went last night - now I'm just going out of obligation of my word, bad.bad.bad.bad. I woke up kinda late, some kind of habit I've been getting in lately, and had to run to Argyle to let some dog's out and feed them, then Ben calls and says he didn't have a ride to church due to circumstances out of his hand BUT I really wanted him to go so I offered to pick him up, but we were gonna be late. Real late. I hate being late. Just another damper to add to my bad mood for the church-going situation.

I ran my errand, picked up my cute companion, and high-tailed it to church, only to get there just as worship was ending. Beau was talking today, I really love hearing him speak - get's me all fired up about living in Denton, let's me know there's a reason I'm here now and a purpose that I can very well be apart of... only problem is that my selfish heart was so preoccupied about the fact that I felt like I HAD to be there, not that I WANTED to be there, creating quite a blockage for any Holy Spirit movement that was to take place today.

Suck.

Half way through the sermon today I really started feeling guilty about my mood I chose to stool in instead of getting past it, so when communion came around, I decided to sit that one out and instead have a little chit chat with my heavenly father, which is always good. I realized that I hadn't engaged in a quiet time with him since Tuesday, and had no real prayer session of sorts since then either - all due to pride build up and me falling prey to the idea that earthly matters were more important or interesting than seeking His counsel and comfort and companionship. The minute I came to this realization, as Caitlin put it best "the Lord totally just punched me in the head." How selfish, how prideful I am - no wonder my heart wasn't into any church matter or spiritual growth... I couldn't see how beneficial it was to me for the simple fact that I couldn't see anything past my own flesh. It was as if I had mirrored glasses on, I thought I had my life in focus but really all I could see was myself looking back at me.

insert cuss word here.

FURTHER MORE! God's forgiven me for my stupidity. I feel like a child on my 6th or 7th birthday... me me me me me... and God's my patient parent that allows me to entertain my tainted thoughts so that I might learn on my own how far the memememe-syndrome gets me in life.

I'm thankful for today. Thankful that I went to church and didn't sit it out, like I kinda wanted to do. Thankful Beau spoke and dug deeper into our hearts for the city around us. Thankful Ben is patient with me as well and only cares for the betterment of me, therefore drills me and drills me and drills me when he can tell something's wrong. I'm thankful for the roundhouse kick God delivered to me today as all around me were delving into the Lord's supper... no I really am, I'm going to grow from it.

a start

I've been staring at this blank screen for about 15 minutes, just pondering what various stories I have to share to with the world that are interesting enough to read; none. What view points, opinions, thoughts do I have or have experienced sometime recently that if mentioned on here would floor any wanderer who comes across this page; none. Why am I so starved for people's approval? Really the only reason I even signed up for one of these things is so that I could better keep in touch with my ladies across the ocean from me. Maybe it's because I spent about an hour earlier today just reveling in their unique and independent thoughts, and constantly found myself enjoying their stories as if I were reading a Francine River's novel.

Caitlin is so eloquent with her words; she has an ability to paint pictures in your mind by just telling you her thoughts about the day. I think she gets that from her Dad, because, from what I've heard of him, he constantly draws up illustrations and allegories to better relate the world around him to his heavenly father - he doesn't do that to win people's approval or get them to think how brilliant he is, he does it to keep consistent reminders that this world is temporary, on loan, and everything points back to Him, Caitlin does that too... I really think she got it from him. That's one of my favorite things about her, her careful thoughts and beautiful metaphors that only wet my tongue for the Lord's truth to be revealed more.

Denise writes with an innocent adventuresome appeal. I feel like I am truly there with her in Spain as I read her day-to-day experiences and thoughts, she is so careful not to leave a single moment out, and when she does it's only because of the limit of time she has to properly share all aspects of her story, yet she always promises to further explanations when necessary at a later convenience for her. She is so honest with all her opinions as well, always has been, she's not one to sugar coat things, mainly because time calls for short and sweet phraseology... I love that word, phraseology, got it from The Music Man, that could very well be one of my favorite movies... anyways, Denise brings you along as though you're in her pocket sharing all her experiences with her, I love that.

I think I'm beginning to tick Ben off with how often I mention to him how much I miss those women... he can suck it up though :) , they're some of my most favorite people in the entire world.... out of 6 billion people I am pretty sure D & C are in my top 5 people that I love the most here on Mother Earth. Don't get me wrong, Ben's up there too... and I would miss him like a crazy misses their imaginary friend too if he left me for 3 months to experience a once in a lifetime opportunity... so therefore, he can properly suck it up.

Ok, I think that's it for now. I'm pretty okay with my first blog - it was raw and natural, poignant and to the point.. yep, I'm satisfied.


til later.