I just finished I Never Promised You A Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg. It was a true story about a young girl who tries to find her way in life while battling schizophrenia. In the darker days of her mental war - she believed what was inside her mind (a place much like another world all-together, filled with it's own rulers and authorities, friends and demons) was reality and the world outside her "Yr" was a prison in which she was trapped in, and was forced to interact with and pretend to be a part of.
This book uncovered for me the depths and real perceptions people may have to deal with when suffering a mental illness. Drugs only numb their perceptions, and doctors merely try to convince them of their own opinions. It provided me a new-found respect for someone dealing with a mental illness, but the knowledge of how real their perceptions appear to them also greatly frightened me.
Our minds are so powerful, that it can create a whole new reality in which we have no choice but to fall prey to. One passage that truly stuck out to me was when the young girl was beginning to fully understand the world's realities and her made-up "Yr," and when she was attempting with all her might to live "normally" within the world and not fall back on her insanity, she watched the people around her and envied their abilities to make friends, to deal with life's high and low emotions, to find love. She wondered if they truly understood how lucky they were to have those "simple" abilities, something that was so unnatural and difficult to her. She watched as they sang praises and prayed to God - and wondered if they ever thanked Him for providing them with sane minds.
It made me think about my own life and the simple ease I find in making a new friend or catching my husband's eye. How often do I stop and thank the Lord that I have been blessed with a sound mind that is able to function normally in any given situation without causing me to loose sight and hearing and go into convulsions? I think until you read or hear about the life of someone who has truly lived several different lifes in their stay on earth, it's impossible to fully understand how well you have it - how much there is to be thankful for.
May 23, 2011
January 18, 2011
A Premature Eulogy
He was loved. Maybe at times he didn't think so, or know it, but he was loved and deeply cared for all his life. In his younger years he was charismatic and humorous - always the life of the party. It was not hard for him to make friends, what with his love for athleticism and games. He was shy, and deeply self-conscious due to various physical ailments in which he battled since childhood; but most of the time you'd never know it. He carried a confidence and pride on into his latter years that easily became a shield to protect him in the more challenging times.
He was a romantic - in all aspects of life. He loved art and drawing, he loved music of many genres, and shared his passion for music with any who came near. Music became his fortress, a safe place for his mind and soul to escape to when the demands of life became too hard to bear. He loved women, he loved the female nuances. He loved a woman; he was madly in love with her.
She taught him many things in the short time they knew one another, she introduced him to Jesus Christ in a more intimate way than he'd ever known. Through her life, he learned to live, through her death, he learned to survive. She gave him three daughters. Three girls to love and hang on him, harass and annoy him, pick him up and carry him. In each of them, he saw their mother - in all of them, he saw himself. He knew the Lord, and he loved Him. He knew his life was in the Creator's hands at all times, and he found hope in that.
He lived a life that at times seemed burdened and hard-going. There were many days when the onslaught of life's little tragedies seemed to come on again and again like the crashing of waves, but in those trying times he'd still find ways to laugh, he'd still find songs to dance to, he still found moments to be enjoyed. In his darker moments, he kept to himself and did not let many people get too close. In those times he did not know how much he was loved, how many people cared for him.
Today it is known that he was loved. If not by the people around him, always by his Heavenly Father, always by the Author of his days.
I wrote this with my daddy heavily on my heart. He is currently going through some of the darkest days he's yet seen, and in these moments truth and love are difficult to penetrate his mind with. In these darker moments he falls prey to the lies of an even darker voice and those lies perpetually tell him he's of no worth. I wrote this with my heart fully convicted of my love for him and of the desire for him to know the truth. His life is worth the love of blood and sacrifice from a King - and nothing can separate him from that love (Romans 8:38-39)
He was a romantic - in all aspects of life. He loved art and drawing, he loved music of many genres, and shared his passion for music with any who came near. Music became his fortress, a safe place for his mind and soul to escape to when the demands of life became too hard to bear. He loved women, he loved the female nuances. He loved a woman; he was madly in love with her.
She taught him many things in the short time they knew one another, she introduced him to Jesus Christ in a more intimate way than he'd ever known. Through her life, he learned to live, through her death, he learned to survive. She gave him three daughters. Three girls to love and hang on him, harass and annoy him, pick him up and carry him. In each of them, he saw their mother - in all of them, he saw himself. He knew the Lord, and he loved Him. He knew his life was in the Creator's hands at all times, and he found hope in that.
He lived a life that at times seemed burdened and hard-going. There were many days when the onslaught of life's little tragedies seemed to come on again and again like the crashing of waves, but in those trying times he'd still find ways to laugh, he'd still find songs to dance to, he still found moments to be enjoyed. In his darker moments, he kept to himself and did not let many people get too close. In those times he did not know how much he was loved, how many people cared for him.
Today it is known that he was loved. If not by the people around him, always by his Heavenly Father, always by the Author of his days.
I wrote this with my daddy heavily on my heart. He is currently going through some of the darkest days he's yet seen, and in these moments truth and love are difficult to penetrate his mind with. In these darker moments he falls prey to the lies of an even darker voice and those lies perpetually tell him he's of no worth. I wrote this with my heart fully convicted of my love for him and of the desire for him to know the truth. His life is worth the love of blood and sacrifice from a King - and nothing can separate him from that love (Romans 8:38-39)
January 6, 2011
The Unexpected
Like I said, things happen unexpectedly. I received an email from Delta today stating that I unfortunately was not chosen for the position at this time. Well, it was nice of them to send me an email letting me know instead of letting me wait it out like the flame of a candle slowly burning to the wick's end. It was unexpected, to say the least.
I had a false sense of entitlement, if you want to know the truth. I felt I deserved to have that position, it was my heart's deepest desire. How ridiculous of me to feel that way. What do I deserve, other than the rightful punishment for the sins committed against an Almighty God? Why would God "owe me" this? It's natural and okay to have feelings of disappointment over this, but shock...? Why should I feel shocked that Delta didn't choose me for this position? Someone told me they received thousands of applicants for the very position I applied for. Why should I feel I deserved it more than any of the other thousand applicants? There was the spark of hope that I felt when I received a phone call from a Delta employee to interview me. After spending close to 45 minutes on the phone with him answering all sorts of "what if" questions over possible scenarios I'd experience as a flight attendant, he told me he was happy to tell me I was passed on to the next level of the interview process - the online application. He told me to allow 3-6 weeks to hear back from them, and after 6 weeks I could contact them to find out about my status. I didn't even make it to 2 weeks. Now all I can think about was 'what did I put wrong on the application, what should I have said instead?'
The thing is, I answered every question truthfully, I made all entries honestly, therefore I can absolutely know they did not choose me, for me.
There is still hope, not with Delta, obviously, but with my future. The unknown. I still have hope that the Lord has a will for me. He knows my future, has set my steps before I was even born. I have hope and peace in the knowledge He has a job for me, He will place me in a position where I will be a tool for His good work - spreading His word to the unbelieving world. Loving my brothers and sisters, and caring for my family. He will allow me to be a coach for the First Grade team at the 9 AM for The Village - Flower Mound campus (a volunteer position that could have been jeopardized by the constant weekend flights of Delta). He will walk with me through any future endeavors and teach me His ways. I'm in good hands, hands that I don't deserve to be in.
I had a false sense of entitlement, if you want to know the truth. I felt I deserved to have that position, it was my heart's deepest desire. How ridiculous of me to feel that way. What do I deserve, other than the rightful punishment for the sins committed against an Almighty God? Why would God "owe me" this? It's natural and okay to have feelings of disappointment over this, but shock...? Why should I feel shocked that Delta didn't choose me for this position? Someone told me they received thousands of applicants for the very position I applied for. Why should I feel I deserved it more than any of the other thousand applicants? There was the spark of hope that I felt when I received a phone call from a Delta employee to interview me. After spending close to 45 minutes on the phone with him answering all sorts of "what if" questions over possible scenarios I'd experience as a flight attendant, he told me he was happy to tell me I was passed on to the next level of the interview process - the online application. He told me to allow 3-6 weeks to hear back from them, and after 6 weeks I could contact them to find out about my status. I didn't even make it to 2 weeks. Now all I can think about was 'what did I put wrong on the application, what should I have said instead?'
The thing is, I answered every question truthfully, I made all entries honestly, therefore I can absolutely know they did not choose me, for me.
There is still hope, not with Delta, obviously, but with my future. The unknown. I still have hope that the Lord has a will for me. He knows my future, has set my steps before I was even born. I have hope and peace in the knowledge He has a job for me, He will place me in a position where I will be a tool for His good work - spreading His word to the unbelieving world. Loving my brothers and sisters, and caring for my family. He will allow me to be a coach for the First Grade team at the 9 AM for The Village - Flower Mound campus (a volunteer position that could have been jeopardized by the constant weekend flights of Delta). He will walk with me through any future endeavors and teach me His ways. I'm in good hands, hands that I don't deserve to be in.
January 2, 2011
MMXI
January, Two Thousand Eleven.
It's true what they say, when you get older years fly by. For New Years Eve, Ben and I celebrated with my closest, oldest friend, Kristin, and her fiance, Scott. We took them to Reikyu, a place filled with memories for Ben and me- part a of our first New Years celebration three years ago, followed by the Big D NYE at Victory Park in Dallas for the countdown and fireworks (part deux of our first NYE, and the setting of Ben's first confession of his love for me). It felt like just yesterday we were standing under the enormous jumbo tron at Victory Park, and as the entire crowd harmoniously counted-down the seconds to 2008, Ben yelled above the roar three simple words that have since then been engraved into my heart.
We were so blessed to be with some of our closest friends for the 2010-2011 transition, making new memories and traditions, and sharing in great experiences that helped bring one of the more eventful years for me to an end.
As momentous as 2010 was for Ben and me, I have a feeling 2011 holds more incredible and exciting new evolutions for us. Kristin is getting married in June - and for the first time ever I will be playing the Maid (Matron) of Honor for her, a role Kristin and I decided we would each play for the other back in our elementary days. Come May, I should finally graduate from the University of North Texas. I am hoping, and wishing, and praying, and waiting to get a much anticipated interview with Delta Airlines to begin a career as a Flight Attendant for the company. Ben and I plan to take one memorable trip to somewhere outside of Texas for our first anniversary in March. And I will become a coach for the 1st grade team at the 9 AM service for The Village Church: Flower Mound sometime in January.
Much to do, but with all this comes the hope that much will also remain the same. We already renewed our current lease for an additional 15 months. Despite minor hiccups here and there, our friends and family are generally healthy, well off, and without any knowledge of looming tragedy. Plans are constantly being made to meet up with our loved ones for coffees, dinners, games, and movies to maintain and build our current relationships. Books will be read, cars will be driven, and TV will remain mindless and corrupt.
As exciting as the promise of a "new you" can be with the changing of the years, I find peace in the constant and hope in the unchanging. However, we are never guaranteed the constant, in fact we're guaranteed the exact opposite - and looking back into the yester-years, you can see just how quickly the unexpected comes upon you time and time again. Unfortunately tragedy is ever-looming, so here's to taking each day as it comes, loving, laughing, and caring every chance you get, and finding true peace and hope in our constant and unchanging Heavenly Father.
It's true what they say, when you get older years fly by. For New Years Eve, Ben and I celebrated with my closest, oldest friend, Kristin, and her fiance, Scott. We took them to Reikyu, a place filled with memories for Ben and me- part a of our first New Years celebration three years ago, followed by the Big D NYE at Victory Park in Dallas for the countdown and fireworks (part deux of our first NYE, and the setting of Ben's first confession of his love for me). It felt like just yesterday we were standing under the enormous jumbo tron at Victory Park, and as the entire crowd harmoniously counted-down the seconds to 2008, Ben yelled above the roar three simple words that have since then been engraved into my heart.
We were so blessed to be with some of our closest friends for the 2010-2011 transition, making new memories and traditions, and sharing in great experiences that helped bring one of the more eventful years for me to an end.
As momentous as 2010 was for Ben and me, I have a feeling 2011 holds more incredible and exciting new evolutions for us. Kristin is getting married in June - and for the first time ever I will be playing the Maid (Matron) of Honor for her, a role Kristin and I decided we would each play for the other back in our elementary days. Come May, I should finally graduate from the University of North Texas. I am hoping, and wishing, and praying, and waiting to get a much anticipated interview with Delta Airlines to begin a career as a Flight Attendant for the company. Ben and I plan to take one memorable trip to somewhere outside of Texas for our first anniversary in March. And I will become a coach for the 1st grade team at the 9 AM service for The Village Church: Flower Mound sometime in January.
Much to do, but with all this comes the hope that much will also remain the same. We already renewed our current lease for an additional 15 months. Despite minor hiccups here and there, our friends and family are generally healthy, well off, and without any knowledge of looming tragedy. Plans are constantly being made to meet up with our loved ones for coffees, dinners, games, and movies to maintain and build our current relationships. Books will be read, cars will be driven, and TV will remain mindless and corrupt.
As exciting as the promise of a "new you" can be with the changing of the years, I find peace in the constant and hope in the unchanging. However, we are never guaranteed the constant, in fact we're guaranteed the exact opposite - and looking back into the yester-years, you can see just how quickly the unexpected comes upon you time and time again. Unfortunately tragedy is ever-looming, so here's to taking each day as it comes, loving, laughing, and caring every chance you get, and finding true peace and hope in our constant and unchanging Heavenly Father.
October 26, 2010
early morning meditations
"The sky was made at the Lord's command. By breath from his mouth, he made all the stars."
Psalm 33:6
These last few weeks have been rather different for us at the Eenigenburg house. Ben's car has been unreliable, therefore we've been sharing the one Honda for every activity life demands of us. It looks something like this:
Monday/Wednesday/Friday...
5:30A we both wake up
5:45A I drive him to work & drop off by 6:00
6:20A I arrive back home & try to fall back to sleep before class
9:00A I wake back up, get ready for school, leave by 10:00
12:00P I leave school to go home/ my dad's & kill time before I pick Ben up between 2-3:00
3:00ishP Ben & I have about 1.5 precious hours to spend with each other before I leave for work at 4:45
5:45P I work until 9
9:30ishP I get home, maybe eat dinner, relax for a bit.... go to sleep to start day all over again
But Tuesdays & Thursdays have become my blessing days...
(Repeat 5:30A-6:20A ritual, then pause)
6:30A I make breakfast, put a pot of coffee on, grab my Bible, my journal, the laptop, a trusty black pen, and my Village Church Women's Bible Study Guide. For the next few hours I get to read, study, meditate, and begin my day growing in knowledge and understanding about my God. My creator.
The study is over Genesis, and for the last three weeks I've been meditating and studying Genesis 1:1
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."
Seemingly not much to study, until you break each word down within the sentence. Then you begin to open up a new world of spiritual depths that have been hidden so delicately within the simple phrase of the first sentence of the Holy Bible, God's true word. God created the heavens and the earth. God. Only God. No other thing (creation, chasm, theory) can rightfully take credit for the world/universe we know today. God created the heavens and the earth. He created everything. Everything. Everything we know today; everything we use, see, touch, smell; every person, every animal. Everything, God created. He created it in the beginning. Before the beginning, He was there. He will be there when all is destroyed. He is timeless. He is brilliant. He is powerful. He spoke, and it was. He wanted, and it was. Everything works today because of Him. All is His, we are just meager borrowers of His creation.
When you begin your day with this humbling meditation, with the understanding that this is just borrowed time, there's no way your day can be bad.
"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies announce what his hands have made. Day after day they tell the story; night after night they tell it again. They have no speech or words; they have no voice to be heard. But their message goes out through all the world..."
Psalm 19:1-4
July 8, 2010
The Power of a Praying Wife, Part 1
I heard so much about this book by Stormie Omartian in the days leading up to our wedding, and then in the days surrounding all the other weddings/bridal parties I attended this year. Each time I would make a mental note to pick this book up, since all the telling sources only raved about how this book saved their marriage, etc., however I only recently purchased and began reading it. Two chapters in, it has transformed my self-serving mind and heart to one that is soft and receptive to my loving husband's.
It's amazing how much I thought only of myself when it came time to pray for our new life together.
It's amazing how much I thought only of myself when it came time to pray for our new life together.
Dear God,
Please change Ben to what I want.... Please make him see/do what I want him to see/do.... Please convict him the way I feel he should be convicted....
And do all these things in my time,
Amen!
Maybe that example isn't a true-to-life example of my prior prayer life, but I bet it sounds extremely familiar to God. I was very self-centered, I only wanted God to change Ben, never once thinking it was me who needed the changing. (Chapter One.... first thing to hit home... and it was not easy!) I have learned how my unspoken words will move Ben further than any of my spoken (nagging) words ever will. I have learned that my unattainable expectations for him will be the first thing to bring us down, all because I have a fantasy idea of marriage that we will never be able to live up to. I was reminded that the Bible commands the man to love his wife, and the wife to respect her husband... and oh, how easy it is to lose her respect for her husband when all she dwells on are his negative characteristics. With loss of respect quickly follows loss of love; without that there is no more marriage.
I still struggle, of course, with my selfish prayers, thoughts, hopes, and wishes... however, so far I have learned to check myself more quickly when doing so. I have also gotten into the habit of just shutting up when my mind is screaming degrading responses, nagging comments, digging remarks. I have also grown just a little closer to my Lord, because I am becoming fully dependent on Him to fulfill our marriage, to answer my prayers, and to listen to my complaints. All the above I once looked to Ben to succeed at beforehand, thus causing angry temper tantrums and hurtful word-battles. Now I'm going to the creator, and it's way more beautiful an outcome.
More to come with future daily readings and insights....
May 8, 2010
scattered thoughts / tormented dreams
don't you hate it when you have hundreds of thoughts, hundreds of thousands of thoughts that spin thru your head day and night until you finally have a moment to get them out and on paper (or web) and then... POOF! they disappear! what was it that i was thinking about just last week for hours and days on end that i wanted to, HAD TO write a blog about....? the minute i finish this blog and step away from the easy access of internet, it will creep into my obsessive compulsive mind. i won't be able to get it off my mind until i sit down to journal about it, because only then does it vanish as though it was never there. hmmmm....
i had a realization about my father the other day.
my dad is the most hopeless romantic i have ever met. he claims he always has been - since adolescence. (this i knew; this was not the realization). of course i have never had the chance to witness his charisma and charm with the woman of his affections since she passed away when i was 6... but the stories he tells! my mother never had a chance, she was to fall for him come hell or high water. no woman (meek or strong) could withstand the beguiling endearment (or so it seemed by his side of the story) of the young patrick.
i grew up hoping for a man with similar characteristics as my father - his charm, his wit, his passion, and his romantic qualities. most boys/men fell vastly short of the high bar my dreams set for them, all because i was in constant audience to love stories or tears for heart-felt sorrow that my father continuously emanated. you see, my mother has now been deceased for 17 years... a lifetime to many... and yet she is all my father can think about it. she is his yesterday and today. she will be his tomorrow whether he likes it or not because he refuses to move on. growing up i thought "that was love." that was commitment at best! how perfect must my mother have been that my father - a handsome, smart, charismatic man (now in his mid-50s) cannot, will not get over. i grew up thinking his obsession was not unhealthy, but sorrowfully romantic. i grew up thinking their marriage would have withstood the test of time since it currently does...
then came my sudden, unbeknown realization that has slowly formed in my incogitative
thought... my mother was not as perfect as my father has let on. in fact the nancy he lies awake missing nightly is probably nothing like what my mother was once like. my father has had 17 painful years of missing his beloved. 17 years to dwell on memories and thoughts, and "what-ifs." my father has had 17 years to dream up this woman... this siren who steals him from his daily activities to break into tearful memories (some of which are probably long since fabricated, thus untrue). i bet the first few years of his lament was real. he probably dealt with continuous nightmares of the most simple memories. but he also probably started to remember moments incorrectly. his mind has most likely created false memories to help soften the pain of the horrid "what-ifs." how do i know this? his last memory of my mother is of her dying in his arms. he tells the story all the time and how he's glad he was there during her last moments here on earth, even though they were and will forever be the hardest moments he has ever experienced. however, my mother did not die in his arms. she passed away after briefly waking up from a week-long coma to find my aunt kaycia sitting by her bed. my dad was in my little sister's room taking care of her. my mother whispered softly "do you hear them? do you hear the music...? it's so beautiful...." and then slowly passed away unto our Heavenly Father's arms. my father was not with her. he hated himself for that every day for years and years - but instead of succumbing to the looming depression he felt dragged towards, his mind/heart healed itself by creating a new memory. a better one. we cannot and dare not correct this memory, the fight that springs forth from the mere mention of what really happened to my father is far less worth letting him keep his dominating thought.
my father's hopeless romanticism is no longer my hopes and dreams for my beloved, benji. i hope he never has to feel the pain and torment as my father does on a daily basis. i do not want him to love me as much as my father obsessively loves my mother. the idolatry in that is beyond expression - and the insanity behind that must feel like a living death every day to my father.
March 22, 2010
"to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion"
i'm married! we're married. the strangest feeling. it's like being 17 and waiting for your 18th birthday... you wait, what feels like forever, and when it's finally here - you celebrate with a few good souls, receive some blessings/ advice/ well wishes and then you go to sleep... wake up the next day, and everything feels pretty much the same. wait, shouldn't i feel different? shouldn't i look different; be different? it feels like nothing happened, and yet the biggest change in my life took place. soon i will apply for a new name, and this lindsey shaw will cease to exist in global records.
i will have a new identity, with the possibilty of a new life.
this suddenly feels like a picture of our relationship and marriage to Christ. once you committ your heart, soul, body and mind to Christ - your old self ceases to exist. and in its place you're given a new life, new heart, soul, body and mind that has been transformed by God. one that lives for Him, thirsts for Him, breaks for Him and provides Him all the glory and honor (which was once stored up for self.) you die to your old self, and you receive a new "name," a new identity, a new life.
life doesn't feel too different yet, despite the fact that i live with a boy in my room and he happens to be the best cuddle buddy in the world.... however i know my heart is changing. little by little i see how natural it can be to put him before me and find joy through that. our time together is not strained with caution for purity sake and our intimacy is not through physical acts, but acts of vulnerability and trust.
life is sweet thus far, with a hope and promise to only get sweeter.
i will have a new identity, with the possibilty of a new life.
this suddenly feels like a picture of our relationship and marriage to Christ. once you committ your heart, soul, body and mind to Christ - your old self ceases to exist. and in its place you're given a new life, new heart, soul, body and mind that has been transformed by God. one that lives for Him, thirsts for Him, breaks for Him and provides Him all the glory and honor (which was once stored up for self.) you die to your old self, and you receive a new "name," a new identity, a new life.
life doesn't feel too different yet, despite the fact that i live with a boy in my room and he happens to be the best cuddle buddy in the world.... however i know my heart is changing. little by little i see how natural it can be to put him before me and find joy through that. our time together is not strained with caution for purity sake and our intimacy is not through physical acts, but acts of vulnerability and trust.
life is sweet thus far, with a hope and promise to only get sweeter.
March 1, 2010
this is it
we received our marriage license today. that was an adventure.
[setting: the most gloomy place imaginable. a couple just left the waiting area to be wed by the justice of the peace... nothing romantic about their occasion, no big spectacle that has their friends and loved ones "ooooing" and "aweing"... no big dollar signs weighing her shoulders down. i envy her and pity her all at once.]
clerk [in the least excitable voice]: how may i help you?
us: we're here to apply for a marriage license!
clerk: okay. please answer these questions truthfully...
are you siblings by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the child of the other's aunt or uncle, either by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the blood/adopted child of the other's grandparent related to the other by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you related to the other's neighbor who has been or will be related to the other's grandparent's nephew or niece by blood or adoption, now or ever?
uhhhhh..... no...?
just kidding, i made the last part up. but it did definitely feel like we were being screened for the next springer show, and at times it had me panicking that we might fail our marriage license application. we didn't. all is well.
we have 6 days left. 6 days. it hasn't truly hit me yet that in one week from now i will be married. i don't think i've really processed my emotions just yet, i've been too busy planning the most creatively budget wedding i have ever heard of. when will i begin to feel the relief of all spent efforts? all i keep thinking about is what all still needs to be done (a lot) and how will we make it without financial help.
on the bright side, we only have 6 days left. in 6 days it won't matter what had to be foregone in the wake of all necessities... all that will matter is i will be escorted by my father to my best friend where we will exchange life-binding vows in front of our closest friends and family. that is good news.
in the end, i will make it through this week and will come out on top... or bottom ;)
[setting: the most gloomy place imaginable. a couple just left the waiting area to be wed by the justice of the peace... nothing romantic about their occasion, no big spectacle that has their friends and loved ones "ooooing" and "aweing"... no big dollar signs weighing her shoulders down. i envy her and pity her all at once.]
clerk [in the least excitable voice]: how may i help you?
us: we're here to apply for a marriage license!
clerk: okay. please answer these questions truthfully...
are you siblings by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the child of the other's aunt or uncle, either by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you the blood/adopted child of the other's grandparent related to the other by blood or adoption?
no
are either of you related to the other's neighbor who has been or will be related to the other's grandparent's nephew or niece by blood or adoption, now or ever?
uhhhhh..... no...?
just kidding, i made the last part up. but it did definitely feel like we were being screened for the next springer show, and at times it had me panicking that we might fail our marriage license application. we didn't. all is well.
we have 6 days left. 6 days. it hasn't truly hit me yet that in one week from now i will be married. i don't think i've really processed my emotions just yet, i've been too busy planning the most creatively budget wedding i have ever heard of. when will i begin to feel the relief of all spent efforts? all i keep thinking about is what all still needs to be done (a lot) and how will we make it without financial help.
on the bright side, we only have 6 days left. in 6 days it won't matter what had to be foregone in the wake of all necessities... all that will matter is i will be escorted by my father to my best friend where we will exchange life-binding vows in front of our closest friends and family. that is good news.
in the end, i will make it through this week and will come out on top... or bottom ;)
January 20, 2010
neglect, at its finest
my roommate's packing her side of the house. slowly. deliberately. every once in a while she comes across something that deems worthy of stopping to peruse over. usually it's something from our past: an old picture, note, journal entry. we have been best friends since we can remember, like around toddlerhood. she has been closer to me than my own sisters, and i bet she'd same the same about me. she's my maid of honor and has done more for my wedding than even i have. and i have neglected her.
i asked two men, who at one point were my closest guyfriends (who i travelled to austin with for a weekend of servitude just a few years ago), for their addresses for wedding invitations. one was surprised i asked him, the other has since gotten married since the last time i spoke to him.
when did i become so self involved? where had i placed all the importance that once belonged to my closest friends?
i have not been the best friend i once was (although to be fair, when we were in elementary & middle school i "broke up" with her every summer because i wanted to have other friends and only felt this was possible without her in my life...... it would only last for a day or two.... i don't do that anymore). i have neglected a lot of my friends these last few years.
last sunday was my first bridal shower, and i was blessed with all the women from my current and past life that showed up for love, support, and celebration. i was honestly surprised at how many showed up, many of whom i have not spoken to in many years. they drove to me, for me, from cities and states away. i was blessed, and shocked, and moved beyond words.
last saturday i met with a not-so-long lost friend for drinks and talk. at one point, just a few years ago, i considered her one of my closest friends, yet life separated us so far that i had to follow to her not-so-new house so i wouldn't get lost, had to ask for directions within her house, and surveyed her lived-in upstairs with fresh, never-before-seen eyes. we cried with one another when we began speaking of how far our friendship has strayed. i had hurt her deeply, all because i was "too busy" being preoccupied with trivial life doings.
i am so sorry for the neglect i have done you. you are important to me, more than you know. you are very important to me, and my life has felt bitter-empty without you there, it just took me a while to realize.
January 13, 2010
craziness encompasses
Less than 2 months to go!
I guess I have no right to complain, I chose the date knowing it will come sooner than I could blink. Planning a wedding on a restricted budget of little more than monopoly money is harder than I expected, however.
I thought this process would be different. It's a lot harder to do on your own, without a mother to help and to eventually take over. It's hard when you're a pretty creative person and have dreamed of the perfect wedding since forever and then you realize it's impossible because, again, you have monopoly money to work with.
I just want a pretty wedding. I want one that will be memorable, and unique, and doesn't show that I had absolutely no money. It's hard to picture what it's going to look like after attending the numerous gorgeous, professional, perfect weddings that were sprinkled throughout these last few years.
I really do know I shouldn't complain. I am marrying the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that is all that matters. The sky could open up keeping all the wise safe in their homes and leaving only Ben, my uncle (the preacher) and myself to exchange our vows.... and I'll be content.
I guess I have no right to complain, I chose the date knowing it will come sooner than I could blink. Planning a wedding on a restricted budget of little more than monopoly money is harder than I expected, however.
- Find the Venue..... check (just recently)
- Verify the date...... check (along with the venue finding)
- Finalize invitation....... check (now to gather the addresses.... if I want to invite person A, who is dating person B, does that mean I have to invite person C, person B's BFF who I only kinda know?!)
- Find, apply, sign on first year home.... check, check, soon to be check (cross the fingers!) - Lewisville, here we come. Denton, it's gonna be a sad day...
- Make final payment on the most beautiful, perfect dress ever..... will "check" soon and I cannot wait!!!
- Figure out if we're gonna do engagement photos/ bridal photos
- Finish pre-marital counseling
- Design Ceremony & Reception decorations.... (will we be able to feed the guests?.... how much will they hate us if we don't?)
- Decide on rehearsal dinner place
- Make sure everyone involved has their outfits.... (I want you to wear this... I mean as long as it's not too expensive to buy.... just please get it by X day...... but if you can't I understand.... when can I demand they do what I ask because it's my wedding!?!?)
I thought this process would be different. It's a lot harder to do on your own, without a mother to help and to eventually take over. It's hard when you're a pretty creative person and have dreamed of the perfect wedding since forever and then you realize it's impossible because, again, you have monopoly money to work with.
I just want a pretty wedding. I want one that will be memorable, and unique, and doesn't show that I had absolutely no money. It's hard to picture what it's going to look like after attending the numerous gorgeous, professional, perfect weddings that were sprinkled throughout these last few years.
I really do know I shouldn't complain. I am marrying the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that is all that matters. The sky could open up keeping all the wise safe in their homes and leaving only Ben, my uncle (the preacher) and myself to exchange our vows.... and I'll be content.
Please Lord, calm my soul. Tell me it's going to be okay, that it's going to work out. Help me trust your will to be done, Lord. Thank you for this new experience. Please bless it, and be glorified by it.
Amen.
Amen.
December 31, 2009
New Years Wish List
It is pretty apparent 'New Years Resolutions' don't stick well. Instead I desire to create a list of events, activities, progressions, and changes that I would like to accomplish or at least aim for in 2010...
Events:
-Design and host a beautiful, small wedding that is both memorable and joyful for everyone involved.
-Experience a week to remember, following the wedding, filled with John Mayer live, Dallas attractions that only tourists experience, and a road trip to anywhere and nowhere with my loving new husband.
Activities:
-I want to maintain this workout high I have adopted this last week, eventually leading me to joining a yoga studio and being consistent with it
-I miss painting, creating collages, drawing, or simply just doodling. I used to escape for an hour or so a day by just engaging in one of these activities... my life felt way less stressful, and I was surrounded by art constantly.
Progressions:
-I would love to dive deeply into more Beth Moore Bible studies or perhaps get into a C.H. Spurgeon daily devotional. The two Bible studies I committed to this past year really lit a flare for my spiritual walk, and enlightened my biblical knowledge and understanding.
-As of late, my position at the salon has felt a bit muddled, I have lost my clear focus on my daily tasks and my main purpose in my role as the marketing personnel.... I wish to recapture this in the new year while perhaps moving up through the ranks (however that may mean). God has placed me in the position I am in for a reason and I hate the idea that I am wasting my time and talents when I could be exercising them in new and different ways.
-I want to graduate in 2010. I want so badly to be done with my undergraduate and put my learned skills and refined knowledge to work. It still feels a little impossible, but I know nothing is impossible.
Changes:
-Ben and I are looking to move to a place in Lewisville, where we'll both be closer to our work as well as more accessible to family. This will be a huge change for us, as we both have made our individual lives in Denton for the past 5 or more years. It's scary and exciting all at once. Many new opportunities will arise as well as many new decisions will surface that may change our entire life as we know it. What campus will we make home? Will we continue to plant roots into the Denton community or will we uproot and start anew in Flower Mound or maybe even Dallas?
What is your 2010 Wish List? What do you hope to accomplish, change, or at least aim for?
I thank God for the opportunity to see another year come and go. This last year had its challenges and heights, but it was a year that saw many great times with friends and family and will forever host a very important date for Benjamin and me. As I told Ben's father yesterday, we grew deeper with one another during our experienced vallies this last year and our relationship was polished with the sweet moments. I cannot wait to see what this next year holds, it is promised to be a good year, but only time will tell how great it may be.
Events:
-Design and host a beautiful, small wedding that is both memorable and joyful for everyone involved.
-Experience a week to remember, following the wedding, filled with John Mayer live, Dallas attractions that only tourists experience, and a road trip to anywhere and nowhere with my loving new husband.
Activities:
-I want to maintain this workout high I have adopted this last week, eventually leading me to joining a yoga studio and being consistent with it
-I miss painting, creating collages, drawing, or simply just doodling. I used to escape for an hour or so a day by just engaging in one of these activities... my life felt way less stressful, and I was surrounded by art constantly.
Progressions:
-I would love to dive deeply into more Beth Moore Bible studies or perhaps get into a C.H. Spurgeon daily devotional. The two Bible studies I committed to this past year really lit a flare for my spiritual walk, and enlightened my biblical knowledge and understanding.
-As of late, my position at the salon has felt a bit muddled, I have lost my clear focus on my daily tasks and my main purpose in my role as the marketing personnel.... I wish to recapture this in the new year while perhaps moving up through the ranks (however that may mean). God has placed me in the position I am in for a reason and I hate the idea that I am wasting my time and talents when I could be exercising them in new and different ways.
-I want to graduate in 2010. I want so badly to be done with my undergraduate and put my learned skills and refined knowledge to work. It still feels a little impossible, but I know nothing is impossible.
Changes:
-Ben and I are looking to move to a place in Lewisville, where we'll both be closer to our work as well as more accessible to family. This will be a huge change for us, as we both have made our individual lives in Denton for the past 5 or more years. It's scary and exciting all at once. Many new opportunities will arise as well as many new decisions will surface that may change our entire life as we know it. What campus will we make home? Will we continue to plant roots into the Denton community or will we uproot and start anew in Flower Mound or maybe even Dallas?
What is your 2010 Wish List? What do you hope to accomplish, change, or at least aim for?
I thank God for the opportunity to see another year come and go. This last year had its challenges and heights, but it was a year that saw many great times with friends and family and will forever host a very important date for Benjamin and me. As I told Ben's father yesterday, we grew deeper with one another during our experienced vallies this last year and our relationship was polished with the sweet moments. I cannot wait to see what this next year holds, it is promised to be a good year, but only time will tell how great it may be.
December 29, 2009
consider the lilies of the field
Lord,
Please forgive my jealous heart. I am too quick to envy what I do not have, or judge what I do not want.
This is not a heart that is filled with worship and adoration for the many blessings you have provided me. Please forgive my sinful nature, and please replace my evil ways with habits that are of you, for you, and that glorify you.
Amen.
In the midst of my disobedience, my spirit quotes to me Job 38... who am I to question the Lord's doings? My discontent soul darkens his counsel with thoughts lacking in knowledge. I am far more blessed than a vast majority of this world's population. Who am I to want more when I deserve death?
Please forgive my jealous heart. I am too quick to envy what I do not have, or judge what I do not want.
This is not a heart that is filled with worship and adoration for the many blessings you have provided me. Please forgive my sinful nature, and please replace my evil ways with habits that are of you, for you, and that glorify you.
Amen.
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
-Psalm 9:1
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
-Phillippians 4:6
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
-Psalm 9:1
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
-Phillippians 4:6
In the midst of my disobedience, my spirit quotes to me Job 38... who am I to question the Lord's doings? My discontent soul darkens his counsel with thoughts lacking in knowledge. I am far more blessed than a vast majority of this world's population. Who am I to want more when I deserve death?
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens;
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host on by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing
-Isaiah 40:26
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are then birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
Consider the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!... do not worry about it... your Father knows that you need them.
-Luke 12:22 - 30
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host on by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing
-Isaiah 40:26
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are then birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
Consider the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!... do not worry about it... your Father knows that you need them.
-Luke 12:22 - 30
December 10, 2009
...so will you....?
i don't remember what exactly he said before that, and i can only imagine what followed was the traditional question hundreds have asked for centuries before us.
"...so will you..... marry me?"
simple words that paused this world for a lifetime of moments. simple words that i have been anxious for since this time last year. simple words that will now unite two into one for the glory of God's name.
it started with a date night my family has made tradition for years now. every year around this time we make it a point to go christmas light looking around highland park or other wealthy dallas neighborhoods. last year i was unable to go due to work... see previous post... so i made it a point to attend this year despite the fact we had an event scheduled for the salon and i would be getting off work way late.
God intervened..... with the swine flu as his tool. a key person had to cancel because she came down with the swine flu, therefore the entire event was cancelled - and i was free to meet with the family early.
everyone met up to gather into one car (ben, myself, laurie, cody, kylie, allie, dad, michael, and jennifer) and off we went to highland park for lights, laughter, and christmas card pictures..... ? michael, a photographer and dearest of friends, offered to take pictures of the new family (laurie/ cody/ kylie) so they can send out their first christmas cards. i did not think anything of this.
after driving around for a while in a crowded yet comfortable suv, we found the perfect spot for the new galloway's card. it was a beautifully decorated mansion just off preston and armstrong, where there were giant trees on vast medians, and horse carriage rides on each street. as the family unloaded from the tahoe, my family went to the right while ben saw something "strange" on the lit up tree in the median that he wanted to inspect. "i'll go with you."
we stood underneath the most colorful tree on the block, and ben asked "do you like it?"
"yeah, it's a pretty tree."
"but do you love it?"
"i mean, they did a good job decorating it. i couldn't have done it...."
"well i love it, and i love you. and i want to ask you something........ " (kneeling down on one knee)
- and blank -
i have no idea what romantic speech he quoted to me. i know he declared he wants me to sharpen him and him sharpen me for the rest of our lives. he said something else about him loving me from the beginning, and vows to love me for the rest of our lives....
honestly i was just concerned about getting my left glove off in time for the ring appearance. also there were carriage riders surrounding us, intermittently, and would root us on from their places upon passing us.... so that was fun and distracting!
then came the ring. in a red velvet box, under the most brilliantly lit tree in dallas, he opened the box and requested my hand in marriage. the soft green peridot gem sparkled up at me, inviting me to breathe in this moment. this moment that lasted a lifetime of breaths. it was so dainty. it was so pretty. exactly what i wanted.
he took my left hand, picked the ring up from its safe keeping. and i touched it... and dropped it. we then had to find it. and we did! all was well.
i said "yes!" yes! of course yes! this was a moment i had been waiting for for over a year, and had been expecting for weeks now.
i said yes, and the crowd went wild! pictures that had been snapping in the background came to life vivaciously when he lifted up and took me in his arms. my sisters were cheering, my dad was tearing up. it was wonderful. perfect. exactly what i dreamed of a moment like that to be.
the rest of the night was middling. just a great time with the family, a routine starbucks stop, and back home to rest the night away.
we ended the night with a goodnight's kiss. one of the first kisses to celebrate the beginning of our newest adventure.
i'm engaged! to the most wonderful man i have ever met. i'm in love and excited. i'm engaged! i'm engaged. :) this is going to be fun.
November 29, 2009
holiday leisures
christmas time is finally just around the corner. it feels like only yesterday i was hustling around a busy boutique trying to help maniac customers find their "perfect" gift for the special someone. i am so thankful i am not working in a specialty retail store like my previous place of business anymore. the crazed customers, lengthy hours, and tense co-workers can really suck the life out of you and definitely drains the excitement of any holiday spirit.
it's a weird feeling getting to experience the christmas fever for the first time in a long time. by this time last year (or any year before last) i would be stressed, exhausted, and dreading whatever tomorrow would bring. not this year. no, i get the breathe this year. drink up the chill and thrill this time of year can bring. i get to just be during this time. it has made for a much nicer lindsey, that's for sure.
also i haven't been forced to endure christmas music since the week before thanksgiving until now.... i have been able to choose my own insanity based on my temporary emotions and what else is on the radio. seriously, i've said this many times before, but i just don't think retail is good for anyone to work in (especially during the holiday season) due to the consequences it can have on one's mind/heart/feelings.
because i have been able to enjoy this holiday season on my own time, i have a few things that i can already call favorites, or perhaps what is to be looked most forward to. and they are as follows:
favorite songs thus far
michael buble - i'll be home for christmas
dean martin - baby, it's cold outside
hallelujah by whoever sings it in the most haunting manner
things i'm looking most forward to
christmas decoration sight seeing with the fam, or at least with benjers
the nutcracker (televised or rented)
watching scrooge with my family and benjies... a family tradition
watching a christmas story on rerun all christmas day!!
hot cocoa in the right hand while walking around the square with my left hand attached to ben's right hand..... this is a must sometime soon.
k, that is all for now.... the later in the season it get's i'm positive i'll have more updates. until then.
it's a weird feeling getting to experience the christmas fever for the first time in a long time. by this time last year (or any year before last) i would be stressed, exhausted, and dreading whatever tomorrow would bring. not this year. no, i get the breathe this year. drink up the chill and thrill this time of year can bring. i get to just be during this time. it has made for a much nicer lindsey, that's for sure.
also i haven't been forced to endure christmas music since the week before thanksgiving until now.... i have been able to choose my own insanity based on my temporary emotions and what else is on the radio. seriously, i've said this many times before, but i just don't think retail is good for anyone to work in (especially during the holiday season) due to the consequences it can have on one's mind/heart/feelings.
because i have been able to enjoy this holiday season on my own time, i have a few things that i can already call favorites, or perhaps what is to be looked most forward to. and they are as follows:
favorite songs thus far
michael buble - i'll be home for christmas
dean martin - baby, it's cold outside
hallelujah by whoever sings it in the most haunting manner
things i'm looking most forward to
christmas decoration sight seeing with the fam, or at least with benjers
the nutcracker (televised or rented)
watching scrooge with my family and benjies... a family tradition
watching a christmas story on rerun all christmas day!!
hot cocoa in the right hand while walking around the square with my left hand attached to ben's right hand..... this is a must sometime soon.
k, that is all for now.... the later in the season it get's i'm positive i'll have more updates. until then.
November 9, 2009
November 3, 2009
...over one year later...
diligence. maybe not my style, always.
life has changed tremendously since my last post. i quit a job i felt so lonely in, took on two jobs that were more or less stopping points on a wide and vast growth spurt, left both of those jobs for my current one where i am learning/ growing/ expanding each day from and within. i am finally figuring out who i am more and more each day, with the understanding that i will be a completely different person 5 years from who i am today.
my spiritual walk is sincere, and deeper than i could have ever imagined. i credit a lot of my new found understanding to beth moore's daniel study. so impacting. never wanted it to end. it's refreshing to receive spiritual guidance from one place or medium that is completely aligned with the teachings i receive weekly from the village. nothing contradicts. all is found from biblical truth that was not sifted through men's hands.
ben and i are one year closer to marriage... i feel. we have been through a lifetime of heights and struggles, and only a stronger bond to show for it. we are both learning how to make necessary sacrifices of self in order to live for Christ and honor the each other. we have a long way to go before the relationship becomes easy, but it is one bumpy road i am looking most forward to.
i am reading donald miller's 'a million miles in a thousand years,' and with each turn of the page i am reminded on how small my life is in comparison to this world. how insignificant my story is in the grand scheme of life. also, it is a constant reminder that i would not be mad if donald and i were friends. there was that one time i met him...
i am frustrated with college. more frustrated than i've been in a while. each passing semester should make one happy and elated with the promising future of their graduation. not for me. with each passing semester life gets that much harder to navigate through. currently i am facing the questions: how am i going to finish paying for this current semester? how am i going to pay for the next few? how will i continue working at the first job i love while finishing with the mundane classes that i dread? my impending graduation date seems further off than a million bucks, i don't know how to find joy, patience or clarity in this "special time of my life."
i still love my jupiter house coffee... and i could go for some right now. but i won't.
hokay. until... 2010...
life has changed tremendously since my last post. i quit a job i felt so lonely in, took on two jobs that were more or less stopping points on a wide and vast growth spurt, left both of those jobs for my current one where i am learning/ growing/ expanding each day from and within. i am finally figuring out who i am more and more each day, with the understanding that i will be a completely different person 5 years from who i am today.
my spiritual walk is sincere, and deeper than i could have ever imagined. i credit a lot of my new found understanding to beth moore's daniel study. so impacting. never wanted it to end. it's refreshing to receive spiritual guidance from one place or medium that is completely aligned with the teachings i receive weekly from the village. nothing contradicts. all is found from biblical truth that was not sifted through men's hands.
ben and i are one year closer to marriage... i feel. we have been through a lifetime of heights and struggles, and only a stronger bond to show for it. we are both learning how to make necessary sacrifices of self in order to live for Christ and honor the each other. we have a long way to go before the relationship becomes easy, but it is one bumpy road i am looking most forward to.
i am reading donald miller's 'a million miles in a thousand years,' and with each turn of the page i am reminded on how small my life is in comparison to this world. how insignificant my story is in the grand scheme of life. also, it is a constant reminder that i would not be mad if donald and i were friends. there was that one time i met him...
i am frustrated with college. more frustrated than i've been in a while. each passing semester should make one happy and elated with the promising future of their graduation. not for me. with each passing semester life gets that much harder to navigate through. currently i am facing the questions: how am i going to finish paying for this current semester? how am i going to pay for the next few? how will i continue working at the first job i love while finishing with the mundane classes that i dread? my impending graduation date seems further off than a million bucks, i don't know how to find joy, patience or clarity in this "special time of my life."
i still love my jupiter house coffee... and i could go for some right now. but i won't.
hokay. until... 2010...
September 17, 2008
dancing leaves around the poverty
This weather we're experiencing in North Texas is resonating with my heart in a big way. Clear, sunny skies and soft, cool breeze create such a wonder and appreciation for God's love for this unique city. I'm sitting in Jupiter House, on one of the most comfortable couches I've ever slouched in, and I'm delighting in watching the massive trees that decorate the courthouse's lawn dance and sway their lazy arms in the wind.
My bare feet dangle and sprawl across the long coffee table in front of me, and I feel at home; surrounded by dozens of strangers, and I feel at home. My ears are filled with Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Gavin DeGraw who make-up one of my favorite Pandora stations, aptly named "Whispering Breeze Radio." They are the perfect artists to express my heart's pleasure on days like today.
I wish I didn't have any set plans today. I have an accounting class at 6:30, but I'd much rather be stretched out across a soft blanket laid underneath one of the strong and bending courthouse trees with Ben and a good book or fun game to be played. Lately Ben and I have been trying to stay away from the usual eat-out/rent-a-movie/stay-in sort of nights and substitute the events with a fun game at Art6 or with family... he is one of the most patient, imaginative, intelligent persons to play very ridiculous games with! I love that about him, and appreciate it most when I'm being an overly poor loser (which never really happens, I always win. always.)
My heart wants to hurt for the people in Galveston or Houston (and all the towns all around and in between) that have been greatly demolished by Hurricane Ike, but it just cannot seem to be moved from this positive, placid state it's in. Days like today, moments like right now, make me slip into a belief that nothing is truly wrong with this world... that everyone is experiencing euphoria just like I am. I know it's a complete lie and a trick Satan tends to tempt me with to make me forget about the truth and ugliness of this world, but it's my honest feelings right now.
The world around me is so broken, the world within me is so broken, however I can disregard that information immediately upon my heart's satisfaction, like right now. I think that's why it's so important to not stay sedentary in one place for too long. We need to constantly be acknowledging the world around us, the pain and depression it feels on a day-to-day basis. I told Ben I want to work with an organization like TOMS Shoes that creates and gives away one shoe to a little impoverished child for every shoe sold. I would be going to Africa or Argentina to do shoe drops every so often, and Ben questioned why I don't do something like that here. He said he knows the distress and dilemma Africa or even Latin America experiences, however we, as a nation, are so quick to forget (or look over) the poverty here in the U.S. He's right. There is poverty, abuse, and death right down the street from me, so why am I so apt to desire helping Africa and not think once about helping my neighbor?
I guess this is what happens to me when I really start thinking about the beauty and love easy days like today means to me. Yes, God created a day like today simply out of love and affection for us, His children, however I am not to experience these moments without any thought to what days like today mean to other people. This world is not about me, something I forget way too easily. This world was not meant for me, today was not meant for me... it's shared with me. His love is being shared with me in this moment, and I need to realize how exactly to pass on His love to others.
My bare feet dangle and sprawl across the long coffee table in front of me, and I feel at home; surrounded by dozens of strangers, and I feel at home. My ears are filled with Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Gavin DeGraw who make-up one of my favorite Pandora stations, aptly named "Whispering Breeze Radio." They are the perfect artists to express my heart's pleasure on days like today.
I wish I didn't have any set plans today. I have an accounting class at 6:30, but I'd much rather be stretched out across a soft blanket laid underneath one of the strong and bending courthouse trees with Ben and a good book or fun game to be played. Lately Ben and I have been trying to stay away from the usual eat-out/rent-a-movie/stay-in sort of nights and substitute the events with a fun game at Art6 or with family... he is one of the most patient, imaginative, intelligent persons to play very ridiculous games with! I love that about him, and appreciate it most when I'm being an overly poor loser (which never really happens, I always win. always.)
My heart wants to hurt for the people in Galveston or Houston (and all the towns all around and in between) that have been greatly demolished by Hurricane Ike, but it just cannot seem to be moved from this positive, placid state it's in. Days like today, moments like right now, make me slip into a belief that nothing is truly wrong with this world... that everyone is experiencing euphoria just like I am. I know it's a complete lie and a trick Satan tends to tempt me with to make me forget about the truth and ugliness of this world, but it's my honest feelings right now.
The world around me is so broken, the world within me is so broken, however I can disregard that information immediately upon my heart's satisfaction, like right now. I think that's why it's so important to not stay sedentary in one place for too long. We need to constantly be acknowledging the world around us, the pain and depression it feels on a day-to-day basis. I told Ben I want to work with an organization like TOMS Shoes that creates and gives away one shoe to a little impoverished child for every shoe sold. I would be going to Africa or Argentina to do shoe drops every so often, and Ben questioned why I don't do something like that here. He said he knows the distress and dilemma Africa or even Latin America experiences, however we, as a nation, are so quick to forget (or look over) the poverty here in the U.S. He's right. There is poverty, abuse, and death right down the street from me, so why am I so apt to desire helping Africa and not think once about helping my neighbor?
I guess this is what happens to me when I really start thinking about the beauty and love easy days like today means to me. Yes, God created a day like today simply out of love and affection for us, His children, however I am not to experience these moments without any thought to what days like today mean to other people. This world is not about me, something I forget way too easily. This world was not meant for me, today was not meant for me... it's shared with me. His love is being shared with me in this moment, and I need to realize how exactly to pass on His love to others.
July 11, 2008
tulips and wine
Andrew Eenigenburg once asked me what is the most romantic thing Ben has ever done for me... I thought about it for a moment, for I did not want to give just any answer, and eventually I decided upon not one, but many similar acts he has done/does for me: surprise me with fresh exotic looking tulips and a letter sweetly and sincerely written out of his heart for me. It was a good answer, everyone decided, and a great thought to consume my jumbled mind for a few moments.
Weeks pass, almost a month, we celebrated my birthday with tons of friends, some family, food, drinks, and plenty of laughter. The night came and went too quickly, in my opinion. I wanted to freeze-frame the dinner aspect of the night, where friends from my childhood, present, and even future came together to let me know how much they love me. Aaron rapped while Ben beat-boxed a little medley for my "big day." Kristin Fowler, my best friend ever since infancy, Laurie, my dear sister, Denise and Caitlin, my two closest friends, all graced my presence in such harmony to my heart, as well as many, many other dear friends. I was swimming and flying, at the same time, with love... and a little alcohol. The night was barely spent with one on one time with Ben, which I lamented, being that he's my favorite of all, but a promise was made to celebrate my birthday just the two of us in the near future.
Another few weeks pass. The near future presented itself last night.
I came home from a looooong day at work, my feet were angry with me, my back was moody, and my mind was exhausted. I lent Ben my key for the day so that he could take care of Bailey through out the day, being that he had the day off, and I was going to be gone for about 10 consecutive hours. He met me at my house, already had taken Bailey out for the night, she was fed and reared up to bounce and play. I crashed on the couch upon arrival, needless to say. We cuddled, fiddled on the internet, watched late night tv, and just soaked up each other's loving. My door was closed to my room with the light on inside, I thought that was strange but I also just figured it had closed over time, my mind was too tired to ponder or investigate. Eventually I got up to begin getting ready for bed, I told Ben I was going to change in my room, so that he wouldn't walk in, and after opening the door to my suspicious room I was met with a picnic basket laid gently on my bed, filled to the brim with sweet goodies only Ben knows I love and enjoy: hot red tulips, a bottle of chardonnay, roasted almonds of butter rum and sea salt, vanilla and hazelnut coffee, a vanilla candle, and a card. I was so surprised, so ecstatic! I yelled and jumped in a manner of excitement, and demanded Ben's presence immediately. He was so humble, receiving praises and "thank yous" left and right. He just kept saying "of course," "it's no problem," and "it's not enough... there's more." He said I am to be met with a surprise at my house today, at one o'clock, and I am not to leave my house at all around then. I have absolutely no idea what's to come, I can't believe there's more to his surprise. Excitement, mingled with angst is beginning to boil within me. He has completely outdone himself, I never saw this coming.
I am truly blessed with such a wonderful life: amazing friends, loyal family, and one romantically spontaneous, incredibly loving, Godly manfriend!
Ben, if you read this, thank you for yesterday, today, and whatever tomorrow brings.
"The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conduced, will yield the imagination of a higher joy than fiction."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Weeks pass, almost a month, we celebrated my birthday with tons of friends, some family, food, drinks, and plenty of laughter. The night came and went too quickly, in my opinion. I wanted to freeze-frame the dinner aspect of the night, where friends from my childhood, present, and even future came together to let me know how much they love me. Aaron rapped while Ben beat-boxed a little medley for my "big day." Kristin Fowler, my best friend ever since infancy, Laurie, my dear sister, Denise and Caitlin, my two closest friends, all graced my presence in such harmony to my heart, as well as many, many other dear friends. I was swimming and flying, at the same time, with love... and a little alcohol. The night was barely spent with one on one time with Ben, which I lamented, being that he's my favorite of all, but a promise was made to celebrate my birthday just the two of us in the near future.
Another few weeks pass. The near future presented itself last night.
I came home from a looooong day at work, my feet were angry with me, my back was moody, and my mind was exhausted. I lent Ben my key for the day so that he could take care of Bailey through out the day, being that he had the day off, and I was going to be gone for about 10 consecutive hours. He met me at my house, already had taken Bailey out for the night, she was fed and reared up to bounce and play. I crashed on the couch upon arrival, needless to say. We cuddled, fiddled on the internet, watched late night tv, and just soaked up each other's loving. My door was closed to my room with the light on inside, I thought that was strange but I also just figured it had closed over time, my mind was too tired to ponder or investigate. Eventually I got up to begin getting ready for bed, I told Ben I was going to change in my room, so that he wouldn't walk in, and after opening the door to my suspicious room I was met with a picnic basket laid gently on my bed, filled to the brim with sweet goodies only Ben knows I love and enjoy: hot red tulips, a bottle of chardonnay, roasted almonds of butter rum and sea salt, vanilla and hazelnut coffee, a vanilla candle, and a card. I was so surprised, so ecstatic! I yelled and jumped in a manner of excitement, and demanded Ben's presence immediately. He was so humble, receiving praises and "thank yous" left and right. He just kept saying "of course," "it's no problem," and "it's not enough... there's more." He said I am to be met with a surprise at my house today, at one o'clock, and I am not to leave my house at all around then. I have absolutely no idea what's to come, I can't believe there's more to his surprise. Excitement, mingled with angst is beginning to boil within me. He has completely outdone himself, I never saw this coming.
I am truly blessed with such a wonderful life: amazing friends, loyal family, and one romantically spontaneous, incredibly loving, Godly manfriend!
Ben, if you read this, thank you for yesterday, today, and whatever tomorrow brings.
"The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conduced, will yield the imagination of a higher joy than fiction."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
May 20, 2008
cool breeze and sunshine mornings.
monday through friday i wake up around 6:20a.m., throw on whatever's closest to me, ready myself in the bathroom, and drive 15 minutes to argyle to take care of one rather free-spirited little girl. i've repeated this movement day after day, week after week, for 4 months now, and i have yet to pass a morning without an awe-inspiring, God-created, Christ-centered, nature-worshiping-Him moment in the early morning hours of the newly created day.
today was one of my favorites. just as i rounded a slow curving turn, where the tree-lined view opened to small rolling hills and expansive pastures and meadows, just past a white-picket fence, the sun made it's bold appearance right beneath purple streaked clouds that rested upon a vast light blue, golden-kissed sky. if i wasn't driving i would have dropped to my knees and sang out His name right then. it was one of the most beautiful pictures i have ever witnessed, and it was just the beginning of a brand-new, promise-filled day.
sometimes, when i'm surrounded and captured by breath-taking moments such as that, i can't help but feel as though God created that picture just for me. i feel as if i've been isolated from the rest of the world just so my Creator can have a special moment with me. in instances like that, i know i am a precious daughter of a king, a spotless bride to be pursued by His Majesty. my picture only lasted for a few minutes, but in my heart and soul, it will last for all eternity.
thank you, Jesus. thank you, LORD.
today was one of my favorites. just as i rounded a slow curving turn, where the tree-lined view opened to small rolling hills and expansive pastures and meadows, just past a white-picket fence, the sun made it's bold appearance right beneath purple streaked clouds that rested upon a vast light blue, golden-kissed sky. if i wasn't driving i would have dropped to my knees and sang out His name right then. it was one of the most beautiful pictures i have ever witnessed, and it was just the beginning of a brand-new, promise-filled day.
sometimes, when i'm surrounded and captured by breath-taking moments such as that, i can't help but feel as though God created that picture just for me. i feel as if i've been isolated from the rest of the world just so my Creator can have a special moment with me. in instances like that, i know i am a precious daughter of a king, a spotless bride to be pursued by His Majesty. my picture only lasted for a few minutes, but in my heart and soul, it will last for all eternity.
thank you, Jesus. thank you, LORD.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)